Papito's Way

You Never Know Who'll You'll Meet...

2009-08-11T07:39:00.002-05:00

I meet the nicest racist ever the other day!

Well let me ask a question first...if people are saying nice things about you that are derived from racial biases...is that still racism?

Let me explain myself and then I'll ask again and you can tell me what you think!

During my internship I was working with a client...a 70 year old white lady...who was very nice...while working with her to get her into a comfort zone (seeing as I'm a 6'3" black man with a considerable amount of tattoos) I decided to spark up a conversation about life in general hoping that we would have something in common that we could discuss extensively! We found a few things and it kept the convo going for the 3 hours that we had together!

Our topics were as follows:

1. As most of my clients do she asked me when would I be done with school and I explained to her the amount of time that I had left and how it was longer than some others because I was in the night class due to the fact that I have a fulltime job, which, inevitably leads all clients to ask what do you do? When I inform them that I'm a Personal Trainer and I am the Fitness & Wellness Coordinator for the City majority of my clients try to get free fitness and/or nutrition advice....but this one client was a bit different...
She started out telling me that she was 70 and had just started working out with a trainer in her town (she was visiting San Antonio) and that she was really enjoying it (normal enough thus far) then she asked me how to get rid of her stomach (still normal...) to which I told here that a flat tummy is all 15% ab exercises...85% cardio (here's a tip folks: you can do crunches by the thousands and have the strongest sexiest abs in the world and they could be hiding under a mountain of fat...it's like letting the drunk fat frat boy go buy the beer and he passes out on the law on top of it...could've been the best 6 pack ever...but you'll never see it!)

If your laughing now that's good she was as well which meant that she was feeling easy and relaxed and I could do my job. But, this is where it started to get interesting...she began to comment on my build and how I was in good shape to which I said thank you! (I don't think that too many people would ask for my help if I was an out of shape trainer) She asked me what I do to stay so trim and I informed her that I was do mostly body weight training, play basketball alot, and eat well but it helps that I have a really high metabolism!

And, her response was...get ready...get ready..."I think it's because your black!" "All you black guys seem to have great metabolisms...the woman...well...not so much...but you men...yeah...I think it's because you're so tall and muscular!"

Ummm...well...silence...

Maybe that one was my fault...I kind of set her up with the "I play alot of basketball comment!"

2. OK, 2nd time's a charm (is that right?) So, the silence from the last convo filled the room but wasn't too uncomfortable. I used the down time to think of something less abrasive and more politically correct.

KIDS! Right? Wrong!

I don't remember exactly how but, I broached the topic of kids...and she had 3 kids just like me but raised me 8 grand kids! But, her having a few grand kids around my kids ages brought about some good conversation!

That was of course until she decide to ask me, "what my kids were?"

I personally was stomped by this question originally, therefore my response was along the lines of "what, huh, you mean like 2 boys and a girl?"

To which she refusing to be deterred, promptly responded "Well, yeah but...WHAT are they?"

Finally fully understanding her and totally bewildered at the fact that she asked me this I stammered out a, "well my wife is half Puerto Rican!"

Which apparently really excited her because she didn't even let me finish before she shouted out, " Oh I just know that they are beautiful...those mixed babies are always the most gorgeous things in the world!!!!!"

Ummm....welll...uhhh...thanks!

3. We had some more random conversation about life and whatnot...but at some point it kind of just died out! After about 20 minutes of silence she chose to revive it with this dozy: "So...you're an Obama fan, huh?"

I was truly thrown with the this one...the shear audacity of this woman to assume that I would a supporter of the black president simply because I was a black man left me speechless! What if I was black republican? What if I was a political atheist? and Anarchist even?

I thought long and hard about how I should answer (should I say hell no I voted for McCain! Should I asked her if she asked me simple because I was a black man..figuring that my race outweighs my political views?) and I responded well yes I voted for him and I think he's done a good job of uniting people thus far, everyone has fans as well as foes though so, I'll reserve my judgement until 2012 as to whether he was a good president or not! And you?

She smoothly told me that she was an true American so she supports whomever may be in office!

So, now that I've given you the entire story I'll ask again...if people are saying nice things about you that are derived from racial biases...is that still racism?

It's Finally Here!!!!!

2009-08-03T13:40:00.004-05:00

That's right...

You guessed it...

Pop Warner Football practice starts today!!!!!

I haven't been this excited since that last pregnancy test came back negative!!!!

My son's already in game mode...he opted out of going to summer camp today because he didn't want to be tired when it wastime to go to practice. I was glad to see that he got his priorities in order. for the rest of this month...well at least until the 24th when school starts...it's eat, sleep, football...shower...repeat!

He has practice Monday thruough Friday until school starts!

And the benefit for us is that he will be so tired that he'll want to eat dinner and go to bed ASAP! I can wait!!!!

In honor of this upcoming season:

I'll try my best to possibly avoid this maybe happening at all or in part...

My Starting 5...Moments of the Last Few Days...or Weeks

2009-08-03T07:33:00.003-05:00

Staring my wife's poor equilibrium.

2 yr old locks a baby in the closet! And, needless to say he caught a bad one...

The other day my wife calls me at work to tell me a story. and here it is as it was told to me: Apparently she hers our daughter crying from the other room and rushes into one of the kids room to find our middle child jumping on the bed with now baby in sight! (don't ask me why she would leave her alone in the room with this maniac...) As, she plays an impromptu game of hot and cold to the muffle screams of my daughter she eventually finds her in the closet..door shut...lights out! Just sitting there crying!

Apparently this fool was playing a modified game of hide and seek with her...where he hid her and she had to find a way out!

So, of course he got it handed to him and sent to bed...but not before he was thrown into a closet with the door locked and the lights turned off just so he could get a better feel for her pain!!!!!

Another fashion forward sighting by my 8 yr old!

I'm a fan of Complex mag and I was reading an interview of Kanye about fashion, in which he stated that gray jeans will be the newest fashion move.

So, I come home on Tuesday to find my son wearing a pair of fitted (not skinny) grey jeans with a black graphic T and some black patent leather high tops..clearly he's a young man of the times!

Please take note the distressed patch by the right knee isn't just a cool matter of circumstance brought about due to football at recess...no..no..no(Jae Mills playing in the background) that took forward thinking and fore site into the state of fashion during our day and time!

The Mrs. fell off the porch

...which has derailed her quest for ultimate fitness...as well as her job hunting...not a good look!

Now please believe that i made fun of her tirelessly after receiving the text that she just randomly feel off of the porch!!!!

And, of course I thought to myself "Only Her"...I say this because my wife has broken and rebroken(is that a word?) her big toe about 3 times this summer from walking into things that have pretty much always been there...such as...the bed, the babies high chair...o and she dropped a weight or a can of juice on her toe but apparently that was my fault for not knowing that I needed to grab the particular bag that it was in and bring it into the house rather than the bags i grabbed...go figure...sorry I suppose?!?!?

She's just clumsy...as I type this(I'm on my phone while waiting for these fools at Walmart to finish my oil change) she just bruised her shin by walking into the edge of the bed!

Anyway, when I got the text that she was hurt bad and going to urgent care I was a bit concerned I suppose. She said that she feel so hard that the neighbor ran across the street to see if she was OK!

I'm sorry but that's funny...

Anyway, 5 hours later she's gotten it x-rayed and she's fine...the doc told her it's a contusion, gave her a prescription of something and shot her full of roids!

So, I had to take off of work for 3 days because she couldn't walk plus I really didn't want her going into "roidrage" and tossing one of the kids across the room!

The kicker is the next day the baby got sick...then my wife got sick...then my 2 year old got sick...then my wife wakes up at 3 am complaining that her face is hurting and her ear's about to explode!!!!!

So she goes to the doc again and this time they tell her she has a sinus infection and an ear infection...gave her some horse pills...and yet again pumped her full of roids!

So that explains the random fall off of the porch...the ear infection caused inner ear problems...which in turn effected her equilibrium!!!

Now, we could just explain the rest of her life....

A chick from my class is being abused by her fiance's friends and family...and it shouldn't be funny...but I just can't help but find humor in it!

Let me start by saying that I'm not really condoning verbal or physical abuse...but...hell...funny is funny....what can I say? who doesn't like a good laugh?

There's this chick in my class.."Voices" who is the strangest individual I've ever meet! We we talking about herpes causing people to go blind one day in class and she just bust out laughing...and when our teacher asked her was was so humorous about herpetic induced blindness she responded: "nothing the voices told me to laugh!" Thus, I call her Voices.

Well she is a going to be the spokesperson for my petition to not only make people register to have children...but to sterilize them as well! She is 25 with no job and 3 kids and she doesn't have custody of any of them and she's trying to have more with her new "fiance"!!!!!

Well, apparently, he's no longer her fiance because he let's his friends make fun of her and call her names! When I asked her what type of names, thinking she was going to say "stupid", "dumb ass" or "slow"...worst case scenario..."retard"...and she totally shocks me with her response..."Crack Whore"!!!!!

No comment!

Her other reason for ending their storybook romance was because he let his daughter hit her and didn't say anything to stop this occurrence! Of course I asked her how old was the daughter and her response was, "Old enough that I could hit her back...but, I didn't because we were in the car and I didn't want to get put out and be stranded!"

Yet again, No Comment!

As, I previously stated...I don't condone abuse but when it's funny...I'll enjoy the laugh!

My mother-in-law challenges me to step my "Frugal Fashion" game up!

My wife told her mother that I was starting a new blog where I journal my thrift/bargain shopping and attempt to put outfits together for under $100. Her response was (not: oh that's great...I can't wait to read it!) I could that for under $50! So, I, was forced to inform her that a vast majority of my outfits come in under $50 as well but I'm giving myself and bit of cap space for hats and shoes(which are a passion of mine and a bit harder to find in my size {13-14} on sale or in a thrift store)

But, I still feel some type of way about her attempt to undermine my place in the Bargain Basement Hall of Fame and my importance in the ThriftWorld!!!!!

So, mommy-in-law dearest you've thrown down the gauntlet and i officially except the challenge...but let me first warn you that you cannot...I repeat CANNOT out fresh dress for less me!!!!!

Signing off...as I do on my other blog( http://www.ballin-on-a-budget.blogspot.com/) ...ThriftStoLoHead

Blog Pioneer...

2009-07-30T21:56:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to take a moment to inflate my ego right quick....

I'm like George Washington...minus the slaves of course!

Or better yet I'm Christopher Columbus...minus the search for Opium!

I'm a blogging trailblazer...I motivational typer and whatnot!

Since, I've started my blog I've inspired my wife to blog about her so-called hard life as a stay-at-home mom...or go save the link in your favorites (http://www.shaysmommydiaries.blogspot.com/ )

my mother-in-law and the adventures of the murderous Sago Palms... read about the silent assasin at http://www.sagopalmskill.blogspot.com/

and my young dude Eklipse the Champloo and his "VIDA Loca" ...or and the link to your favorites ( http://www.eklipsethachamploo.blogspot.com/ )

Would it be too much to ask for royalties or a percentage off of anything that they might possibly make from future endorsement deals?

OK...now let me come back down to earth a bit! Let me pay homage to who got me motivated and inspired me to start channeling my creativity and love for writing into a blog...the Infamous Netta Rose!!!!!

For anyone that hasn't caught a link to her blog form mine before or that I haven't told about or hasn't read her stuff...it's crazy...check it out...uberpiff http://www.semi-literate.blogspot.com/ . She also writes for the examiner online as well...check her page for a link to that !

Please check out everyones blogs...and enjoy...they're all very informative in their own individual ways!

Seriously San Antonio...Seriously?????

2009-07-30T12:28:00.007-05:00

Since I've moved to San Antonio I've been mistaken for every African-American NBA star to ever come through this damn town outside of Shaq of course.

I've gotten Tony Parker...

No...

I've gotten Bruce Bowen...

Uhhhh...NO...

I've gotten Tim Duncan...

Come on that dude is a damn giant...

I've most recently while playing ball at the gym been asked if I played for the Spurs and if I was Drew Gooden...

No...

Once in a very sad moment in my life...the young boy at the concession stand at the movies asked me if anyone has ever told me that I look like Kareem....

So I'm like Abdul-Jabber?

Hell Naw!

So, he's like: "A young Kareem...when he was in his prime though!!!!! No Diss!"

Is this what I look like? seriously? Maybe, I need to check my fresh or ask someone for assistance or something?

I know there aren't alot of black people of my height and skin tone in this fine city...but is being tall and black really synonymous with playing for the Spurs?

Come on we've got to do better!

My Daughter Took 5 Steps The Other Day...

2009-07-29T18:55:00.003-05:00

And if she does it again it will cause her to get her first official beating...

For some strang reason she decided to do this while I was at work...and that is MUCHO NO BUENO!!!!

The kids are not allowed to have any monumental moments when I'm not in attendance.

So if she does in fact start walking and her first steps aren't towards me (sorry, ma, I know you got her the my first steps are towards AKA shirt, but I'm more important) then we have a major problem!

I promise that if I come home from work and she's just toddling around the house then I'm going to kick her in the back of the head or have the dog knock her down or trick her into walking into a ditch or something equally traumatizing to scar her from this experience!!!!!

Yes, I understand that if I do this she may not walk again for a few months a thus be well into her 2 year of existence, but that's a chance I'm willing to take to teach her that 1. Daddy is the most important being on the face of the earth! 2. Life is rough when you don't have someone backing you up! (like Diddy said, "It gets cold & lonely out there!) 3.do ever...ever...ever, ever, ever go against Daddy!

She's got her first birthday coming up...so if she can knock out the whole walking thing and while of course learning these important life lessons...she's 10 steps ahead of the rest or the 1 year old demographic!

Daddy Loves You Baby!!!!!

P.S.
Random question: I think the Boy Scouts' motto is something along the lines of "Always Prepared..." well what's the Girl Scouts' motto ?

Does anyone know? (I know I could look it up...but I'd rather not!)

I'm going to go with Girl Scouts'...We Slang The Thangs!"
(I'm talking about cookies people!....)

I'm trying to avoid this new phenomenon called "Daddy Weight"...

2009-07-29T06:29:00.005-05:00

Cuz I don't want to every look like your boy K-Fed...

His ex Shar Jackson stuck up for him by say that "It's tough when you have to focus on your kids and being a parent 24/7 and you don't get to put all of that time into taking care of yourself...he just put on a bit of daddy weight!"

DADDY WEIGHT????? DADDY WEIGHT!!!!! SERIOUSLY?????

He used to look like this:

He bagged one of the hottest pop stars at the height of her career...he was the American Dream for Gigolos...stay in shape...bag a rich chick...be a trophy husband...knock her up for insurance purposes and ride off into the sunset!

Anybody out there that's saying I'm wrong for that last statement be honest with yourselves...chicks have been doing this for years!

What kid of before & after is this:

I'm petrified of catching this "Daddy Weight" disease so I'm about to leave work right now and hit the gym....oh...wait...I supervise a gym...nevermind...I'm about to take a break and hope on a treadmill...

I gotta go...

P.S.

If anybody has your boy K-Fed's # please tell him to give me a call...I can help him out with that postpartum weight!

My 401(k) is Expanding...

2009-07-27T06:59:00.002-05:00

My daughter is going to be a freaking giant!!!!!

She's only 11 months and she's this tall:

My wife took her to a doctor's appointment earlier this week and after stating that she's off the charts as far as height and weight for 11 month old he informed the Mrs. that she should be coming in at least around 5'11"!!!!!

Did you just read that?????

Read it again....

I wish I had audio...

Cuz it would sound like MONEY!!!!!

So in the worst case scenario she could be a Candice Wiggins:

5'11", 154 lbs

or maybe she'll be an overachiever and break that 6 foot barrier and I can mold her into a Candace Parker:
6'4" 175lbs (she's going to be the Jordan of the WNBA or maybe Shaq or a blend of both barring the pregnancy of course!)

But seeing as at the current moment the doctor says she is off the charts when it comes to height and weight...well..she might end up a bit more like Courtney Paris :

6'4", 250 lbs

And I'm OK with that as long as she's beasting broads on the court like this:

The key to the WNBA finding fame ans prosperity is 3 fold: 1) Girls need to start dunking...although I love the fundamental soundness of the WNBA people rather see crossovers & oops instead of pick and rolls & bank shots. Do your research the 06 finals Cavs vs.Spurs had the lowest ratings of at least the last 20 years. So if Lebron couldn't draw viewers due to Duncan, the WNBA is doomed without dunks.

2) They need to push the attractive girls to the forefront...although they have made the prettier girls the face of the franchise they unfortunately need to step up their feminine side to draw the men in. I went to a Washington Mystics game once and it was full of what I thought were dudes...but to my surprise it was packed full of woman who apparently shop at the sames stores that I do and either have the best sports bras in the world or possess stock in duct tape...maybe they all got reductions....

anyway i digress...they clearly have the female athlete and homosexuals lock...I think most men are intimidated by woman that can beat them at sports and would rather ignore the fact that they exist...therefore if they downplay their physical prowess and up sale their femininity it equals $$$$$$$$$$

3) The WNBA needs to invest in Seasonique

..outside of the possible blood clots, strokes & heart attacks it sounds like a good look to me!

The thing is that no one want to get caught up in a team or a sport where their favorite player could be out for a whole season because she decided to have a baby (i.e.Candace Parker) and, I'm sure as a female, that one would probably be at a higher level of competition when she isn't cramping up and having her hormones out of control...

But hey what do I know!

Ultimately, I think I might try to mold my daughter to be the next generation of WNBA players...and I'll put a microchip under her skin to keep her from procreating until I say so!!!!!

She can marry (a guy of my choosing)and give me some grand kids when she retires and I put her out to pasture...then I'll breed her for a stronger lineage of ballers!

Once Again...

2009-07-25T12:28:00.002-05:00

Damn why didn't I think of this!!??!!

Well my dude Linell is getting married today...and I hope he sees this before he does so that they can get it popping like this:

Anyway, congrats Mr. & Mrs.Dixon!!!!!

It's time to start procreating!!!!!

Those Words You Never Want To Hear...

2009-07-25T08:42:00.003-05:00

There's a certain phrase that you never want to hear about your kids, your pets or a health condition that you may have...

Unfortunately I heard these words the other day...

If you remember before I blogged about the fact that my 7 month old puppy...whose about 72 lbs now is having some ....issues with people(basically she hates everyone except for my wife & kids, my nieces and my sister in law...and me of course) and I was planning to get a behavior specialist to come in and see her.

Well when the behavior specialist and I spoke on the phone and I told her everything (my puppy's entire life store...as I know it...I even speculated on what happened to her at the rescue before we adopted her) so, that she would be fully aware of what she was walking into! She sounded very knowledgeable and self-confident that she would be able to resolve these issues in 3 sessions (it's $47 a session) She even gave me a money back guarantee!!!!!

That was a week ago, when she showed up at my house on friday...well...let's just say she wasn't expecting what it was that she got. Jersey(my puppy) started barking as soon as this the chick stepped on our porch and she just got louder when the the "specialist" rang the doorbell and louder again when she came in the house! The "specialist" told us to ignore her because by trying to calm her down and petting her and talking to her we were just feeding her fears and teaching it was OK to act in this manner. She informed us that if we did this that Jersey would eventually calm down and then we could get started....

Well....25 minutes later and we're still leaning in to hear her talk because Jersey was still running around the house barking insanely at this chick!!!!!

SO, the "specialist" comes up with the idea that we should take her on neutral territory because right now Jersey was treating the chick like she was an intruder into her domain...so we relocated to the backyard ...and the puppy actually stopped barking (1 point for the instructor) but she wouldn't let the chick get anywhere near her. She kept trying to hide behind my wife!

I left the 3 of them outside so that I could take the kids and my sister-in-laws dog (Bradley) inside so that there'd be less commotion and distractions! (our home is clearly a sensory overload for the poor puppy)

They were outside for about 45 minutes to an hour and I watched through the window and the puppy seemed to be warming up to the chick...although the chick was amazed at the fact that Jersey wouldn't give in to chick giving her treats! (apparently, most dogs can't resist the food and will eventually warm up to the person providing the food and eat out of their hands...well not Jersey...she knew that eventually the chick would throw it to her anyway so she kept her distance for the most part)

I guess her philosophy is "You don't bite the hand that feeds you, but you don't have to lick it either!"

While they were outside I had to do the paperwork that was essentially a waiver that protects everyone against my puppy losing her mind and going Cujo

I was still feeling good because there was also part of the contract that states if after the agreed upon number of sessions if the puppy's behavioral problems aren't resolved then she will meet with her and train her for free until the matter is fixed!

Well when they came back inside...signaling that the session was over...the chick had a different look in her eyes than she did when she arrived! It slightly resembled defeat! She informed us that before we signed a contract that she wanted to go home and call some people with more experience in this matter!

And she hit me with the I'll email you my findings and we can go from there with setting an appointment.

That's the official "Don't call me ...I'll call you!"

The good thing is she was actually alot calmer and more at ease with the random chick by the end of the session.

The bad thing is she was concerned if it was a socialization issue or a temperament issue(which would mean that she'll always have these feelings about people, but we'll have to teach her how to control the fears!)

I think its a socialization issue and the chick needs to just work harder!

Well, we'll see how things work out...

Stay tuned for more of the Giant Sissy Dog Chronicles....

I need to get Married Again...

2009-07-23T23:16:00.003-05:00

I mean Remarried!

I'm going to ask my wife to marry me again so that we can do this:

Damn, why didn't I come up with this idea first...we could've had it rocking and I'd be a youtube sensation!

Oh well there's always the next wife!

Jealousy Rears It's Ugly Head!!!!!

2009-07-21T09:21:00.003-05:00

My wife is jealous of another woman!!!!!

I know crazy right...after knowing one another for almost 10 years and 3 kids and all our ups and downs...it actually has me...flabbergasted...yes you read that correctly...that she would feel any need to be jealous of any other woman!

She shouldn't even be jealous of my mother...and I'm a Mama's Boy! That's right a 6'3", 190 lbs mamma's boy! But my mom was a Drill Sergeant so it's not exactly what you think! lmao

Let me ask you a question:

If your "significant other" got a tattoo of another woman's face on his/her body...would that upset you?

Do you feel that that's grounds to be jealous?

Do you think it's cause of concern?

I think it's dependant on the tattoo and who's face it is...say for instance they have a picture of their mother or grandmother...or maybe even a historical figure that they admire...such as Angela Davis or Queen Nefertiti. Of course a picture of an ex is a bad look but that goes without saying! You shouldn't even have pics of you and your ex's in your crib...let alone permanently adorning pictures of their faces on your body!!!!!

Let me bring this a bit closer to home...for those of you who know me, I've been getting tattoos since I was 17...they're addictive and I have a few to say the least(maybe one day I'll post pics of them all) ...and i recently added to my sleeve that I'm working on on my left arm(my tat artist Javier Luis had a Father's Day Special so, my wonderful wife booked an appointment for me...he's busy so it took a while)it's a Native American theme.

The latest edition is of the Native Maiden (a.k.a. Mother Nature) seen below. This isn't the best pic but she's holding a large pot with a landscape of trees and mountains in it and she's pouring it out. I'll try to get a better pic some other time...deal with it!

Well, my wonderful wife feels that I should have gotten her face as the nature maiden instead of this "random chick"...who I must inform you is just a chick from a painting...not an actual person!

So, for the last week or so at least once a day I have to hear from my wife something along the lines that I don't really love her because I didn't get her face tattooed on me!

When I attempt to rebuttal with; "Why don't you get my face tattooed on your butt?"

Her response is; "Why would I when you would get some other chicks face tatted on your arm instead of mine!"

When I try to explain that it's not some other chick and it's a random rendition of The Nature Maiden she responds with; "Well it should of been my face...I could've been The Nature Maiden...people say I have recognizable face!?!?!"

Yeah you're probably thinking the same thing that I am....

So, my obvious rebuttal is; "When you get a picture of me ...I'll get a picture of you!"

And she promptly informs me that she'll be doing no such thing! And, justifies her logic that I should do it regardless because, and I quote "If you'll get some random chick on you forever...why wouldn't you get the love of your life?"

Then I respond by asking her who is supposed to be the love of my life?

Next, I inevitably ask her what she's done to feel that she warrants being immortalized on my body?!?

Her response.....get this....."Just be your wife....!" DUN DUN DUNNN....

That's right folks apparently marry someone automatically juxtaposes them with immortal greatness and deems them synonymous with the climax of your existence!!!!!!

Clearly they don't even have to work hard and earn the top spot...you give it to them when you say "I DO!" End of story!!

Obviously I've been looking at this whole operation from the wrong angle!?!

Please excuse me...I'm leaving work to head to the tat shop and be waiting outside when they open so that I can show my wife how much I love her!!!!!

Any suggestions on what I should get?

Should, I get him to fix the face on The Nature Maiden so that it looks like my wife?

Maybe, I'll be a lame and get her name or zodiac symbol?...

No, I'm going go hard on this one...

Maybe I should do a face tat?...

Yeah, I'll get her zodiac sign framing my left eye because it's closest to my heart...or some crap like that!

Yeah that will go over well in my City Council meetings!!

But, I don't care...for her I'll do anything ...so I'm going to go harder than anyone before and get her face tattooed on my face!!!!!

It'll be a nice blend of these two formats:

What do you think?

An Angel Stole My Heart...

2009-07-20T12:21:00.006-05:00

Hell, No...I'm not talking about my wife....whats wrong with you?

Although she is a very special lady...blank stare...lmao....

No, I'm referring to the love of my life... my daughter!

Now as anyone who knows me, has had a conversation with me, or just overheard me speaking on having a daughter knows...I ~~didn't want~~ wasn't ready for a girl!!!!! I wanted 4 boys and then have my last child be a baby girl! But you know what the say..."If you want to make GOD laugh... tell him your plans!"

So GOD blessed us with this wonderful little girl...and...if you've seen or even read about my 2 boys you would know what I meant by GOD blessed us!!!!!

Yet and still we've been through some hard times with our little princess. She's not even a year yet and we went through some drug dependency issues(for us & for her) to get us all through a tough bout with Acid Reflux. And rehab(for me) after she took joy in punishing me for my existence and utter lack of being my wife.

But, other than that she's been the perfect angel. It's like that 3 Bears story where the chick has to try out everything...and 1 is always way too far to the left and the other's way too far to the right, but there's always that one that's juuuussstt right!

Well, that's my family...my oldest son is more than a mamma's boy..he's her reincarnate...hell I've been calling them twins for the last 6 0r 7 years! And, my 2 year old...well let's just say that I see why my mom only had 1 child...he's very demanding (not in the needy, dependant sense of the word...no I mean in the do what the hell I say when I say it or else sense)

I truthfully don't know where he gets it from...ok...I'm, lying, it's actually kind of funny to watch the way he bosses the older kids around...and they've got him beat by anywhere from 2 to 6 years! I'd like to think of him as a natural born leader! LMAO

But, the baby...she's just the perfect blend...it was rather prophetic of me to name her Bella Harmony! But, hey I'm a genius so you know how that goes!

Anyway, I digress...my daughter is perfect...at least for right now...that's right a perfectly abnormally long and plump fruit of my loins and apple of my eye...was that a weird statement or is it just me?...at this point in time she can do no wrong...when that inevitable moment arises at which she commits and act for which punishment is necessary well...I'll...just get my wife to beat her...that way she can come cry on my lap and I'm still the good guy!

Now, I know what you may be saying as you read this...yes, I know full well that you have some version of I knew she'd have him wrapped around her little finger!

And,to that I say: 1. her fingers aren't little...they are long and fat! 2. she most certainly does not!

Will she be a daddy's girl?

YES!!!!!

Will she be spoiled?

Quite possibly, all my kids are to a certain degree!

Will she get away with murder?

Only if it's some boy that put his hands on her or attempted to practice some form of an impregnation technique on her!!!!!(cuz, then we'll be in the impala headed across the border with her brothers...I'm positive that we would all be accomplices)

Will she get whatever she wants?

Yes, if she works hard to get it...isn't that how life works?

But, for anyone that has formulated some type of notion that because she's my daughter that she's just going to melt my heart and then I'll give her whatever she wants whenever she wants to make her happy let me say that it's sad how poorly you know me! I'd be setting my daughter up for failure and sending her out in the world improperly equipped to prosper in society if I just showered her with riches and spoiled her rotten!

Trust, I will teach her to do for self and to work hard to be successful in life and everything else will work out! I will have failed her if I teach her to depend on a man to provide her with her needs and wants! She can do that for herself...any & everyone else that comes into her life should just be there to complement her daily existence.

But she's still my little angel though and I'm going to have the damnedest time letting her go...thus, I know that eventually she will break my heart and I must prepare accordingly! So, I've decided that as soon as she's walking (no:her lazy azz is not walking yet...yes:it's because she's ridiculously spoiled) I'm just going to knock her down and make her cry at least once a day...that way when she finally does start to care about some little dumb ass boy more than she does her daddy that sacrificed everything for her...well we'll already be even on the hurt scale...I actually might come out ahead if she starts walking this week!

Nonetheless, she had me at hello...

But, I'm going to have to build a fallout shelter in the basement and home school her when puberty hits...especially if she's built like her mother...and when she graduates from home school high it's on to Phoenix Online University!

Either that or her goon of a brother is going to be held back a year so that I can make sure they are always in class together!

Then, I can put the Mossberg Cruiser away and rest easy cuz Young Kimbo Slice loves to punch people in the face...and I've already hipped him to how it's going down on the playground at school and who to look out for and knock out if they touch his sister!

And she will be taking a Brazilian Ju-Jitsu class with me!

This is not a game... Attached below is an application to date my daughter that all would be suitors will have to fill out!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH__________________

HEIGHT________

WEIGHT________

IQ__________

GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_____________

DRIVERS LICENSE #______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________

CITY/STATE_____________________ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain: ______________________________________

Number of years they have been married ____________

If less than your age, explain _________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?__Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?__Yes __No

E. A tattoo?__Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ringpierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?__Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATIONAND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ____________ __________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ______________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? _______________________________________ ____________________________________________ _________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ________________________________________________ ____________________________________________ ________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ______________________________

How often you attend _____________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ____________

Mother? ____________

Pastor? ____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: ________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ________________________________________________ ______________

C: A woman's place is in the: ___________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _____________________ _____________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: __________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TOTHE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron___________________________

Mother's Signature ___________________

Father's Signature ____________________

Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi's Signature______________

State Representative/ Congressman__________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

AIDS was Invented in Africa in 1977...

2009-07-19T15:47:00.002-05:00

and other random info I've discovered in the past few weeks!

My 8 year old son is the ill clothing designer...

I've noticed the acid washed pants in several different stores (Express & BCBG to name a few...and the ill Balmain collection) so I decided that I should cop a few pairs of cheap jeans for me and my son and have a little art project.

And lo and behold the jeans he designed turned out extra ill! I might try to ride this one out and put some more money into his fashion designing...hey...I figure it has more longevity than football!!!!!

I have to supervise my toddlers food intake..My son feeds the dogs under the table...hides food in boxes...n its getting expensive!

This fool is the pickiest eater that I've ever meet! He refuses to any fruit outside of bananas but, and get this...he loves vegetables..broccoli, carrots, green beans, peas, etc. He's also on a strict carb diet...rice, pasta, potatoes...

He Drinks milk like a dairy farmer...at least 8 cups a day...he's huge on the Agua as well with about 7-10 cups a day...at this point I work just to buy diapers!

His meat intake is limited to chicken (mostly in the form of chicken nuggets or chicken fried rice) and hotdogs!

And this is where the problem arises...

It's bad enough that the dogs (ours & my in-laws...that's about 5 dogs and every house that we frequent) follow him around waiting for him to drop food and they all fight to sit underneath his seat at the table cuz it's a good spot to catch scraps...but he finally figured out that if he doesn't want to eat his meal that he can give it to the dogs while we aren't looking...but most recently my while packing up to move my wife discovered that our precious child had been putting hotdogs in boxes.

Would I be wrong if I made him eat all the old hotdogs that we find?

my puppy isn't looking too well suited for the Therapy Dog Career Path...

When we got her from the rescue she was a sweet a precious lil thing...she was lazy and like to cuddle and give kisses! The only problem we had with her was the fact that she was terrified of other dogs (we figured that it had something to do with wherever she was being boarded before we brought her home) so we(we being my wife) decided that we could resolve this issue by taking Jersey (the puppy) to Doggy Daycare rather than hiring a behavioral specialist.

Well to give my wife some credit...this did fix her fear of other dogs but he had a very unfortunate side effect...she now hates people!!!!

So, I'll have a behavior specialist coming in next week to assist me with getting my dog back to being a sweetheart and on the road to being a therapy dog that actually loves people...

Catch Phrase can work on couples communication or destroy "happy homes"...

My wife, sister-in-law, and 2 of my friends that have been dating for a few years & I decided to play Catch Phrase a week or so ago while my friends were in town.

If you've never played CatchPhrase before i suggest that you run to your local WalMart and grab one. As a matter of fact I suggest that if you want to work on your communication with your significant other or just are wondering if you want to deal with a person and need to know who they truly are...go get the game. It will cause you to argue with others, yell, demean and/or give up on others!

Try it...but be ready for the outcome!

My children are actually learning things from me...even when I'm not trying to teach!

My oldest son has a thing for temporary tattoos...maybe this has something to do with the fact that I have a few tats myself...hey...nature vs. nurture. I have no problem with him having tattoos..it is art after all. The kicker is he inevitably always puts one or seven on his neck. My rule is no tats that you can't be covered up when in formal wear! And, this doesn't include turtlenecks!

As you can see the summer is pretty boring and I'm just working alot so I don't have very many funny stories to share with the masses! I might just take a brief hiatus until football season starts! but we'll see...

Oh, before I forget..let me explain the title...so, I'm decided to be a good samaritan and donate blood at work(actually they gave me 4 hours of comp time for doing it) and I had to fill out a super long questionnaire...and then go through a screening interview in which they asked me some very strange questions.(I've never donated blood before because 1. I'm anemic & 2. I'm always getting tattoos...which apparently is a contraindication) These questions ranged from:

Have you had sexual intercourse with anyone from Africa since 1977? to...

Have you had a blood transfusion in Africa since 1977? to...

Have you taken drugs with anyone from Africa since 1977? to...

Have you traveled to Africa since 1977? to...

Do you know anybody born in Africa since 1977? to...

Have you played Uno with Magic Johnson and anyone form Africa since 1977? to...

Have you harbored any foreign exchange students from Africa and had a slumber party since 1977? to...

well you get the gist.

After stating a profound NO! And informing the nurse that I wasn't too worldly..I decided to ask her: "What the hell happened in Africa in 1977?"

And in her infinite wisdom she responded with the following" I don't know...I think that's when they invented AIDS or something!"

So, I responded.."Oh snap that's good to know...I'll go back to my office and cancel that Africa Expedition that I had scheduled! Thanks for the heads up!"

Damn She Got How many Kids?

2009-07-10T11:43:00.009-05:00

I found these pics of Nicole Murphy and since I don't have enough time to sit down and write a real post...you'll just have to deal with pics!!!!!

these pics rival the Mel B pics mainly because Nicole Murphy has like 5 kids!!!!!

That's crazy!

I need to make this happen to some of my clients cause the right before and after photo could have me the next Personal Trainer to the Stars!!!!!

I promise I'll post something this weekend...I promise!

I've been neglecting yall so this is to keep you from hating me so much...

2009-07-09T10:50:00.004-05:00

Here are some family pics from a hilarious site. Enjoy:

This is a brief pictorial of things to do and not to do during these long summer months while you hold your breath in anticipation of September and school!

Do Not take pics in matching bear suits: matching outfits--possibly OK...matching costumes--very, very unOK!!!!!

DO let your kids use the rest room before the you take pictures

Please step your Slip&Slide Game up this summer!!!!!

And I'm Gone!!!!

P.S. I'll try to write more later...

Having to Live our Lives Often Causes 1 to Lose Sight of Living Life...

2009-06-28T15:16:00.006-05:00

Think about it...it's deep...lol don't keep reading the title over and over again wondering what the hell my dumb ass is talking about..just know I'm deep!

To any of you out there that are married or have kids or both you know that there often comes a time when you get so caught up in your life that you forget to cater to(que the Beyonce song)

your significant other(dare I say Soulmate) and when you reach this unfortunate moment I hope that you stop yourself and ponder what got you there and whats really important!

Then regroup and reapply yourself to whats most important (that would be making that other person in your life as happy as possible...so that they don't leave you with ten kids and a rack of unpaid bills and college loans)

Due to me worrying about my career and my kids and my crib and my car and sports and my problems(perceived or actual) and etc and etc and etc I've found myself in such a moment! Yes, even the G.O.A.T. in his infinite wisdom and greatness stumbles from time to time! But, I'll just use this as a life lesson and fuel to drive my campaign tour bus! I'm taking my show on the road...coming to a town near you...soon...maybe!?!

So with that being said I'm at work about to close up the building and speed home(leave me alone SAPD) to my beautiful wife to reconnect!

I leave you with a written promise that I made to my wife on our wedding day that I need to constantly remind myself about!

My wedding vows:

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in one another’s dreams, we can be together all the time…and you are the soul mate that I’ve dreamt of for over 2 ½ decades. On this day I wake up to eternally unite with my destiny…my Wife of Noble Character.

I’ve learned that love is an endless act of forgiveness, thank you for explaining and demonstrating this time and time again. So, on this blessed day if I know what true love is it is because of you.

When I was young I told my mother that I wanted 10 kids…she promptly replied good luck finding a woman crazy enough to marry you…well I’ve since then cut that number in half and I want to thank you for giving me 2 beautiful boys and pledging to have a small tribe with me! Thank you for dealing with me…

The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. I ask you to always love me in spite of me, as I love you because of your imperfections. I profess to love you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever(always love you more than the day before), and I prepare to move onward knowing that you will always love me.

I give you a vow from the depths of my heart that I will always be your shelter through any storm, I promise to shower you with love and affection. I will give my heart, my rib & my life for you and this family…this I vow!

You are a woman that knows life by the way it feels…I admire that part of you that is guided by feelings and the fact that you can follow it so freely…you’ve taught me that it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye!

I vow to always see you for who you truly are, with my heart.

I vow to learn from you everything you have to teach and teach you everything that you want to learn.

I vow to guide when you need me, follow when I should and walk hand in hand forever!

We need not think alike to love alike. And I love you as you love me…

Eternally!

We Miss you MJ

2009-06-27T07:53:00.003-05:00

Arguably the greatest entertainer/singer/songwriter/choreographer ever!

I'm not sad because the Most High said it was his time and he needed to rest because the world had been eating away at him for decades...about 5 to be exact!

And, regardless of Netta thinks I don't think he touched those kids...I do how ever believe that he had an inappropriate relationship with young boys. But, he though that he was a kid so go figure!

I personally think he was set up because after the first kid why would other people let there kids hang out with him?

Set up...but O well...may he rest in peace...his music will live on!

My Homeboy Prez B-Rocka throws a Father's Day BBQ..

2009-06-23T10:49:00.012-05:00

And, this is why he's the greatest president ever...I really don't care what he does from this point on!

So, while my wife made me wait in our bedroom with the puppy and the baby...my homeboy Prez B-Rocka had Master Chef Bobby Flay serving it up at the White House to such special quest as DWayne Wade, Etan Thomas, Tony Hawk & Alonzo Mourning(who just had a school in Miami named after him and his wife...get this...the runner up was Janet Reno..ha that's wassup!)

And, while Prez B-Rocka was doing this I was munching on Fruity French Toast
President Obama held a Father’s Day BBQ on the South Lawn at the White House on Friday, June 19th. Present at the BBQ were:
….. teenagers, young men, community mentors and everyday dads in hopes of launching what he called a national conversation on responsible fatherhood. Each story was personal. But one of them commanded the most attention: his.

He spoke at length about how his father, Barack Obama Sr., left home early. The future president was just 2 at the time and saw his dad only once more, at age 10, a short visit that still left a lasting imprint.

“I had a heroic mom and wonderful grandparents who helped raise me and my sister, and it’s because of them that I’m able to stand here today,” he told a throng of youngsters. “But despite all their extraordinary love and attention, that doesn’t’ mean that I didn’t’ feel my father’s absence. That’s something that leaves a hole in a child’s heart that a government can’t fill.”
“Just because your own father wasn’t there for you, that’s not an excuse for you to be absent also. It’s all the more reason for you to be present,” Obama said at the White House. He gave the same message earlier at an education center for young, at-risk adults.

“You have an obligation to break the cycle and to learn from those mistakes, to rise up where your own fathers fell short and do better than they did,” Obama said. “That’s what I’ve tried to do with my life.”

This dude is great...

Just seeing these pictures makes me want to go dance with a republican baby!

And, here's his speech from last year:

Go out and be prosperous father's...see you next year for your 15 minutes of fame!

P.S. i had a friend who didn't tell me Happy Father's Day that I was about to delete from my phone for such a blasphemous act but I decided that in the spirit of the holiday I'd send her a courtesy text 1st to make sure she was actually alive...which is a vital aspect of wishing someone a happy holiday!

She told me that she didn't tell me because in her eyes everyday is Father's Day!

So of course my rebuttal was well why haven't you ever told me "Happy Father's Day" before?

So, since then she's texted me Happy Father's Day everyday!

I will be acknowledged at all times ...thank you...GOD Bless...& Good night!!!!!

Happy Daddy Don't Do Anything for an Hour Day!

2009-06-21T09:27:00.003-05:00

To all my days that read this I'm going to make it quick so that you can enjoy your hour of praise before someone ask you to fix something...take out the trash...feed the kids...or run to the store for something!

So enjoy your 15 minutes of fame!

I'll post more manana...maybe???!?!?!?!!

P.S.

Make sure you keep the receipts for all those ugly ties, socks or tools that you really didn't want!!!!!

Tomorrow is official Take Back Your Unwanted Father's Day Gift Day!

I just put in my Bid for Husband of The Year!!!!!

2009-06-12T13:50:00.031-05:00

So as some of you may know my anniversary was like 2 weeks ago.

It fell on a rather random Tuesday so I did most of my celebrating the weekend following that day!

but I'll give you a nice little recap so you can sign the petition for me to be the official Husband of the Year!

Let me start out by saying that I told my wife before our anniversary that she shouldn't make any plans for the weekend following(which would lead one to believe that she understood that I was planning something here) so on our actual anniversary I decided to take the day off from work(this act took a donated kidney, a weekend of 9-10 hour days, $75.13, a pack of lemon heads & red hots, a percentage of my first born & a note from the president)

So, anyway we fell asleep early Monday night but something woke us up around 1:30 am(either the baby crying or a text from my sister-in-law wishing us a happy anniversary...I'll go with the latter) and this prompted my half comatose wife to send me on a sub par mission of hot/cold!

Although it was a bum game and she gave wack clues (like over there to the right of the sink..she meant left...over that thing...under that bag...) the end result was outstanding!

She bought me a Quikestrike (limited edition) pair of Nike Air Force 1's :

This wonderful gift of course warranted some ummm...extra special, early morning, grown up attention! hey I have to show my appreciation the best way that I know how!

I then decided to make the rest of her day easier by kidnapping the children and giving her some relaxation time (which she of course didn't take) and we had an impromptu lunch in our room because the kids passed out! We spent most of the day just relaxing and enjoying one another's company while catching up on redbox rentals and napping!

This may sound boring but it was much needed rest and relaxation for both of us!

Another item that was purchased on my behalf was this little number from Flirty Girl Fitness:

The pack includes all of the following:

• Flirty Girl Signature Fitness Pole

• 7 Flirty Girl DVDs: Booty Beat, Chair Fit, Chair Dance, Just Teasing, Abs & Booty, Beginner Pole, & Pole Fit all stored in 2 keepsake boxes.

• Plus the full color Flirty Fit & Fabulous booklet

and a pink feather boa so you can unleash your inner diva!

So I'm sitting in my living room right now looking at this 10 ft long box waiting for someone to bust it open and unleash their inner diva on me!?!

Stilllllll Waiiitttttiiiinnnngggg.......

Ironically, this coincides with an anniversary gift that I purchased for her. I thought that it would be nice(seeing as my wife keep claiming she wanted to take some classes in Erotic Exercise) to sign her up for a Sexy Stiletto Heel Workout class with a premiere spot her in Lil May-he-co, TX called Soft Sensous Moves !

She started the class yesterday and says she likes it(although apparently she needs to get her ankles taped by a physical trainer before game time) ...sooo, we'll see if I get any return on my investment!

As part of the aforementioned plea bargain with the power's that be at work I also received Friday off. This is where the real fun begins!

It took me about 3 weeks of plotting, phone calls, schedule changes, location scouting, emails, catalog perusing and secret shopping to make 2 days turn out just right...and my wife did everything she could to thwart my efforts...and the fact that I didn't twist her neck is yet another testament to my greatness.

I had previously made discussed all my plans with my sister in law and she was kind enough to agree to watch our kids for the weekend. (I do however owe her the other kidney as well as a percentage of any future royalties gained from having said children) And since I know that my wife doesn't listen to anything that I say(and that she would probably try to make some sort of surprise plans) I had to tell her to make sure that if her sister asked her to watch the kids she came up with a good story of why she couldn't! Then, I had to call her mom to tell her to do the same because I knew she would be the next option.(seeing as it was also her parent's anniversary she already had a good excuse)

But, then a problem arose in the fact that my wife's best friend(and God Mommy to a few of my kids) had a younger brother what was graduating from high school on Saturday! And, of course my nostalgic wife who remembers him from when he was a zygote wanted to go and promptly expressed this to her without asking me if I wanted to go first!(please refer back to the fact that I told you that I had already previously stated to her not to make plans for the weekend in question)

Well I had to diffuse the situation real quick by texting LJ and informing her of my plans and then I had to provide her with the proper lie to tell to deter my wife from wanting to drive to Houston for a graduation:

I told her to say that she had alot of family members staying at her crib and that we would probably have to get a hotel room if we came!

And then just for insurance I had to add something on myself:"graduations are rather boring and long are you going to subject your children to having to sit still or subject everyone else there to whats going to happen when you do?"

So, with that set and me being cleared on all fronts I commenced the planning and shopping process.

I have an employee at work who has a 2nd job at a natural cosmetic and soap store called Lush and she helped me pick out all the perfect products for my wife's hair(she's got the mean Corbin Blue...lol) and skin and gave me her employee discount ..50%..good $.

hahaha...if you know my wife...this picture is just as hilarious to you as it is to me...anyway...

For those of you that are up to date on my life I am currently in internship to gain my Massage Therapy License, thus I know all the little spa stuff that you fools go and pay hundreds of dollars for! (call me and I'll give you a discount if you mention this blog) And, since she always complains that she never gets massages I decided to treat her to a Spa weekend!

My son had a Friday night game and I had it set up with my sister-in-law to offer to take the kids afterwards so we could go to the movies. We had a nice meal and watched "I Love You, Man!" (yeah I know I'm late, but we have 3 kids that scare babysitters), then we went home for some adult time!

The next morning one of my employees called me with a problem at work and I used that as a reason to leave(although my wife wasn't paying me much attention anyway because she was in a coma due to her normal lack of sleep) and I slid out to buy some rose petals, a Calla Lily plant
and to locate a radio...then I proceeded to the hotel. Check in wasn't supposed to be until 3pm but I spoke extra nice to the homosexual gentleman behind the counter and he let me check in at 9am...and before you say anything it was clearly stated that I was planning an anniversary weekend for my wife!

So, I get into the room...unload the truck...toss rose petals all over the bed...set up all my supplies...plug in the paraffin warmer(something I shouldn't have necessarily done from a fire safety standpoint)...set up the stereo...threw in one of my mix Cd's(they're straight dylan..get at me if you want one...I got'em for cheap)...and left!

On the way to the car my wife calls...so I had to get in the car and tell her that I had to run to work to fix a problem and that I was on my way home! I then informed her to take a quick shower and that I'd make breakfast!

And, this is when she began to sabotage the weekend!

1st: I come home and she's washing her hair...something I spent quiet a few Pesos on supplies to do!

2nd: I decided to be a good husband and make favorite eggs:

I've tried before and gotten frustrated and decided that I wouldn't do it again! Well, I clearly should've stuck with that idea! I with through a baker's dozen worth of eggs before I got 1 that was decent and then my dumb ass couldn't get it out of the pan! (needless to say she had to come make it how she wanted and I had a LOT of scrambled eggs!)

3rd: my wife in her infinite wisdom decides that she could double up on her anti-baby meds and then she'd could cheat nature! (well let me tell you 1+1 does not always equal 2) The kicker is she was trying to avoid the inevitable a.k.a. nature on our anniversary but had she not attempted her little science experiment we would've been straight for my special weekend(trust me I have a calender and I count days...I told you this was well planned)

Anyway all these things aside I had bought an outfit for my wife to wear so I told her to get dressed..put a blindfold on her and whisked her away!(side note:you never know if a person truly trust you enough to follow your lead until you try to take them somewhere blindfolded...needless to say we need counseling)

After my wife nearly getting sick because of a blindfolded car ride and then taking 2o minutes to walk from the parking lot up 2 flights of stairs into the room I finally unveiled the surprise:

I let my wife just chill out and soak in the whirlpool since I couldn't wash her hair for her!

After she got out I gave her a nice foot massage and Paraffin Pedi-care!

At this point we were both hungry so we ventured out to a restaurant on the Riverwalk
did a bit of walking around a brief run through the mall and it was almost time for the next phase of my weekend. I decided to mess with my wife's head a bit seeing as I had a little bit of time to spare and headed to my favorite Tattoo Shop. Seeing as she knew where it was she started getting all nervous and sweating and asking, "where are we going?" "are we going to the tat shop?" "why are we going there?"

The funny thing is she had been saying that she wanted a tat but apparently she didn't want one that bad!

Anyway we hung out there for a sec and then headed to the Botanical Gardens for some Shakespeare in the Park action.

This was cool because the sun was starting to set...that is until some random chick walking by decided to pass out right next to me! The bad part is I didn't even see if coming Because I was so deep into the play...but I had to be a hero and all...I gave her my chair and helped her up when the EMT dude came! LMAO

After that I saw a few more wobbly people and it mad me nervous so we packed up and decided to stage a little impromptu tour of the Botanical Gardens.

Then we went to the Dollar Movies to see Madea Goes to Jail..which ironically came out on DVD 2 days later !

Then we went back to the room where I proceed to give my wife some full body spa treatments and topped it off with an hour massage.

We slept the next morning damn near till check out but not so late that we missed the continental breakfast!

This paired with my Mother's Day actions makes me a shoe-in for the top spot! Seriously the only thing left would be to give her a vital organ...and she's already got one of my ribs...man...you women are very demanding creatures!

Now you are witness to my greatness...bask in it!

Big Man On Campus...

2009-06-09T09:13:00.007-05:00

So my oldest child just completed 2nd Grade!

I'm sure that all of you that know young S.Dot are saying wow, he's growing up ridiculously fast...yep...almost out of my house!!!!!

This year was touch and go from the beginning because for some reason unbeknowst to me he felt that he could wild out in class without me finding out!

The crazy thing is that we went through this is some form in Kindergarten and 1st grade(2 different teachers). He starts out as the quiet shy kid but, once he figures out what he thinks he can get away with(he watches the bad azz kid in class and tries to emulate him) he begins to push his luck!

This never works out for him for 2 reasons: 1) He's not good at being bad!(he sucks at being sneaky, he's always the one that gets caught and he's a horrible liar) 2) He's got the wrong father for this type of behavior (everything that he will every think about doing, I've done already...and I either got away with it...or...got caught...perfected my craft and then got away with it)..I'm like a prophet..I see his every move before he makes it, I'm s stickler for things being done the right way (my way), I'm tough on my kids, especially my boys( life is tough) and I swing a mean leather belt!

But, this year was a different...he was getting in trouble from day 2...I swear...I think it's because his mom was picking him up from the bus
stop and he just loves to take advantage of her. This, the year consisted of parent-teacher meetings, beatings & loss of privileges to achieved the desired affect of a well behaved child. It was tough but we got there.

My son brought home a binder entitled 2nd Grade Memories that all the kids got apparently...and it's freaking hilarious!

I don't know if this is an invasion of privacy but whatever he walks in me while I'm in the shower and/or on the toilet without knocking so this will even out the score a little bit!

All the kids wrote end of the year notes to 1 another and I'm going to share a few with you!

Let me preface this 1st 1 by saying every year my son gets into a serious altercation and/or has ongoing problems with a little girl in his class...every year...different class..different girl...every year! Last year I had to have a parent-teacher conference because he told a little girl that he would kill her(in the wake of the VA Tech shooting you can see how this wasn't taken to well my school administrators) The problem was that she kept trying to be his girlfriend and wouldn't take his consistent No's as an answer...so she decided to just take it upon herself to kiss him! Well clearly he didn't like this too much so he tried to choke her out a little bit and threaten her life!

And this is how it always goes...these little fast azz girls are all over him because he's cute and this year was no different. there was 1 particular girl that harassed him all year...she punched him, knocked him down, tried to get other girls not to be his friend, etc., etc, etc.

I kept trying to tell him that she liked him but of course "daddy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about!"

but here's her end of the year message to him:(name omitted 2 protect the innocent)

Dear S-Dot,
I know you run faster than me and do more push ups than me and I appreciate that and I like the way you lagh(laugh) and play and smile and swet(sweat) and I like that you lick your shirt
Love, lil ms.imgonnaruinallmyfuturerelationshipscuzicantexpressmyfeelins

Well clearly his masculine prowess and high levels of testosterone roped this one! She's like a pit bull that I used to have...when I breed her the male had to fight her to dominate her before she'd give up the goods!

P.S. I have no idea what that "Licking the shirt part was about!

Ant this 1 from his "best friend" is a bit inspirational:

Dear S-Dot,
You have been a great buddie I hope you could be kind of rich when you grow up and don't take drugs from anybody got it your a young man.
you(your) friend, young mr.entouragewingman

I don't know...although the drug part was a good message I think this kid sees dollar signs with my son and doesn't want him to ruin that Pro Ball money!?!?!

This next kid is jocking my son a bit too hard if you ask me:

Dear S-Dot,
Your soper(super) fast like a speeding jet you alwas(always) run fastr(faster) then (than) enebody(anybody) I known(know) your cool like ice and run like a medeor
sencilrly(sincerely) lil stana.k.a.malegroupie

1st off...stop jocking so hard...2nd although he's spelling game sucks a bit he more than makes up for it with the proper simile game.

This next chick clearly feels like she didn't get enough attention:

Dear S-Dot,
You have been a great friend to everyone.And not really a good friend to me.
Sincerely, lil ms.whataboutme

This little girl wrote a note that had me questioning who she was talking about lol:

Dear S-Dot,
You are funny and good at writing and really silly and you are so joyful and funny at dancing and your really nice that you have alot of friends and really creative and good at drawing.
Sincerely, lil ms.imgonnawritenovels

The thing that made confused my wife and I is that she said dancing...we couldn't get him to dance if we paid him! Apparently at school he's "tappin the lines...like Gregory Hines".-jay-z

This little girl is like Ms.Info junioretta:

Dear S-Dot,
I think you don't wand Diego to play with you. And where did you buy your shoes. And I though you like playing with him. Why can't you sit next to Diego why. Diego is very funny S-Dot. hmmm, why.S-Dot do you like Zachery because he is the funniest.
Sincerely, lil ms.wendywilliams

She's hilarious. She really wanted to know about the broken friendship there! But, this is 1 of my favorites because she took notice of his "kick game"...something I pride myself on and I'm trying to past that on to future generations!

This little girl was jockeying for position very hard in his clique! And, she wanted to make sure that she wasn't forgotten.

S-Dot,
We have been budys (buddies) for a lot and a lot and a lot and a lot of days and I just wanted to say your (you're) alrite (alright) bud your (you're) alrite (alright) but that's not all we'v (we've) also have been closest friends. only closest friends. But I still hope you get better at reading.
Love, lil ms.andusayshesjustafriend

She really wanted to let him know that she wants to stay close but not groupie close. I like that! I'm going to keep an eye out for this one!

And finally I'll wrap it up with a note that pretty much exemplified all the other notes that I've left out due to time constraints and I'm tired of typing:

Dear S-Dot,
I like the way you write. You write so nice. You play so well with others. I like your smile on your face. And you are smart and you are funny. That's what I like about you. I like that you are cool to hang out with. I like how you read and how you think of great ideas. You are so col (cool) and nice. You are always happy. You are so fast. You are a nice friend to me.
Love. lil ms.iwannabeyourlifelongfriend

Needless to say I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments thus far in life. I'm going to keep pushing him though because he's a great kid with a ton of potential and I want him to become a "look at what I became" not a "look at what I could've been!"

So, young S-Dot if you're sneaking on the computer at 3am and you're reading this then I want you to know that I love you dearly...and I'm proud of you!

Weekend Wrap-Up...True Life:TX Football...You Think You Know..but You Have No Idea!!!!!

2009-06-04T14:39:00.003-05:00

So, as usual I've been a bit sporadic with post and I often recap late...but oh well..so what...deal with it!

This weekend was rather hectic since I had a training at work from 7-6 both Saturday and Sunday.

And, my son had football games both Saturday and Sunday!

So, my weekend pretty much consisted of me getting up early...driving around...standing outside in the sun...being on the verge of heat stroke...and breaking up fights!!!!!

I'm sure you'd loved to hear about how my training went or how San Antonio has apparently been under construction for the past 50 years and that the construction shut the highway down to 1 lane and caused me to be in traffic for 45 minutes to drive about 15 miles, and that you care ever so deeply..but, let's be honest you want to know about the fights...Don't You?!?!?

OK, So clearly I've heard that football is equal to religion in Texas...and I thought that I had a rather decent grasp on the severity after watching Friday Night Lights(where the entire town literally shuts down to go watch football games...I'm talking stores, gas stations, doctors, fire department, the works)...and this was further driven home when I found out that Odessa Permian(the high school football team the movie is based on) has a football stadium that was paid for by sponsorship dollars from Grande Cable!(one of the TX cable giants)

But everything that I though I knew was equivalent to me spitting in the ocean...rather minuscule! I clearly have been enlighten so to speak now that my son plays football! It's serious business for the parents of these 10,11 year olds.(my son plays against older kids) I'm not sure if there were any scouts at the game or if TX is a big experiment about living vicariously through your child!?!

I previously blogged about the ills of this Spring Football League but it's just gotten worst...it's full of poor organization, rowdy parents, poor coaching, unsportsmanlike conduct, bad examples for youth, bad decision making skills,foul language & heat...whereas it's missing, youth to actually play(there are only 3 teams..and 1 only has 10 players), teaching, water(they actually told us to bring our own water for our kids) & games(we missed games because of Pigfeet Flu..that have conveniently not been made up).

And, all the horrible things that are this league(Texas Team Sports...don't ever play in this league) exploded this weekend. It started Saturday with us playing the same team from before that had some of the players from the Dallas Cowboys offensive line of the 90's.

Apparently, after the last game that we played them our coaches decided to bring a kid that was the right age but over the "weight limit" back(he was forced to play with an older group because of his size) and apparently the longhorns(aka 1990s Dallas Cowboys) caught wind of the this or saw us beat a different team last week with him and decided that they weren't feeling this situation too much! And thus decided that they would heavily protest this addition to our team!

And then these events took place:

Their coaches got into an argument with our coaches about fairness, weight, and other such issues! In these argument they actively tried to deny the fact that they had a kid over the weight limit claiming that the kid in question was contacted prior to the last game and never showed up...which means...that's right...you guessed it...they knowingly have more than 1 child over the weight limit, and if they told this kid to stay home for the last game, either he really sucks or he's really huge! (Rumor has it that they will be bringing a kid that weighs over 150 to the next game!)

Their parents got into an argument with our coaches and parents and the director! This argument ended in the parent in question threatening to call Channel 5(to a 10-11 year old football game...seriously...seriously)

Our parents got into a fight with our coaches! 1 of the parents didn't approve of the way that the coach was talking to his son...well..actually I don't think he liked what he told his son to do, because he didn't agree with it and wanted him to do something different.

The argument went something like this:

Parent: "I don't like the way you're talking to my boy!"
Coach: "I don't like the way your boy is playing!"
Parent: "Why are you telling him to do this...he should do that!"
Coach: "I'm his coach and I said he needs to do this!"
Parent: "I'm his dad and he needs to listen to me!"
Coach:"I'm his Coach he needs to listen to me!"
Parent: "I'm his dad and he needs to listen to me!"
Coach: "Well if he doesn't want to listen he can leave!"
Parent: "You can leave!"
Coach: "Sir, you can leave!"
Parent: "You can leave!"
Coach: "I'm done with you sir!"
Parent: "I'm done with you!"
Coach: "You're ridiculous, this conversation is over!"
Parent: "Get your hand out of my face, your ridiculous!"
Coach: "Get you hand out of my face!"

I think all the hand raising, puffing out of chest and walking into one another's personal space made the tired so they kinda just stopped! Mind you all of this took place at halftime right in front of the kids while they ate oranges...great adult entertainment.

Parents got into it with the referees...well that was me actually but I was just telling him to watch the other team because they were obviously playing dirty (my son was tackled twice because he was on defense and was about to tackle their running back...so, the blocker just tackled him! And the ref claims he didn't see it because he was watching the ball, although my son was about to tackle the kid with the ball so go figure?!?) and he decided to get smart with me for saying something.

So I told him I was just trying to help! To which he commented that if I really wanted to help I'd grab a whistle and a uniform both of which he had extras in the car! So, I said sure ..go get them...I've reffed games before ..no problem ..I got you next game! He of course ignored me!

Their coaches even started cursing at us at which point I finally had to say something(I told him to be more mature and stop cursing in front of my child...in an even tone might I add...to which he replied your coach was cursing last week...to which I replied well he needs to grow up too, but I'm talking to you right now!) and then the director told me to shut my mouth, and then I told him to never ever speak to me in that manner again! So, he decides he wants to attempt to throw me out of the game! Needless to say that didn't happen.

Eventually we won and they were sore losers and didn't want to shake their hand even though I save one of their players lives on the sideline(totally unrelated story...just know that I'm a hero!)

The next day we went through more of the same...coaches cheating, coaches calling other coaches crybabies (and asking the parents in the stands if they have any tissue), parents arguing with coaches, there was somehow a ruling made in our absence that a certain kid on our team wasn't allowed to touch the ball and we'd be assessed a penalty any and every time this happened! We had a parent throw a water bottle at the ref and 2 kids thrown into a ditch! Several parents contemplated going on the field and physically removing their children and going home!

If was a great defensive game(seeing as they only had 1 kid that touches the ball and they decided to key in on my son and another kid on our team) that came down to 4th quarter touchdowns.

Here's a brief synopsis:

4th Quarter
4:06 left they score...extra point good
3:25 left we score...no extra point
:40 left they fake a punt and score...no extra point
:06 we score(kid that wasn't allowed to touch ball catches a kickoff, which is legal and rumbles into the end zone)...2 point conversion good

I shake every one's hands. Then I leave and go back to work 3 1/2 hr's later.(these games usually only take 1 1/2...there were alot of penalties)

Then I took my oldest son to see Night in the Museum II: Battle of the Smithsonian...critique coming soon!

Can't wait to see what happens this weekend! Friday Night Lights coming soon!

Please Sterilize this Bastard..Immediately!!!!!

2009-06-03T21:39:00.002-05:00

this dude has 21 children..he's 29...and he makes minimum wage!!!!

I just don't know what to say about this...

I don't know what to say about the fact that females continue to procreate with him...

I don't know what to say about the fact that any one human being is this fertile...I mean seriously this is some biblical shit...

I don't know why the state of Tennessee hasn't just given him his own county or at least a farm or something...

They need to just start handing out castrations and hysterectomies at Social Services!!!!

We Partied Like Rock Stars Memorial Day Weekend!!!!!

2009-06-03T10:28:00.000-05:00

Just in case you were wondering...

We party till we pass out!

We Go Hard!!!

World's Laziest Dog...

2009-05-28T15:19:00.002-05:00

That's what I am the proud owner of...

Actually, let me back up...I got a rescue mutt...lol

If you remember my previous post from a couple of months ago about wanting a dog...well it didn't go to well...as a matter of fact the petition I put out there was thoroughly shut down by the misses!

That's OK she knows who really runs things in our home!!!

But I gave up the fight because she's the one that's home all the time and she was right...it wouldn't be fair for her to have to take care of the kids and a puppy. Thus, reluctantly I retracted the troops and waved the white flag declaring her the temporary winner of the war!

But, I'm smart and I was out to win the war! And, knowing that my wife has a big, soft, mushy heart I decided to exploit this weakness and send her pics of puppies from local animal rescues(those SPCA commercials make her cry)

I knew I only had 1 shot and the dog had to be very chill...if it showed too many signs of puppy over rambunciousness it'd be a wrap from my puppy dreams!

I found the perfect puppy...and that's what we call her..Puppy! ..but her name is actually Jersey. But, my youngest son refuses to call her anything besides puppy thus, its caught on and that's kind of what everyone calls her!

She's a Mastiff Mix...

I'm going to try to get her to do this:

She looks like this now:(by now I mean a month or so ago when I got her...so what the post is late...sue me...busy lifestyle..)

And this is at like 3 1/2 months. (please note the fact that that's my knee next to her...so that should tell you how tall she is) And when it's all said and done she should look like this:

Can you imagine going to somebody's house and they're like: "Oh, you gotta meet Puppy!"

So you're all like: "Oh a puppy that's cool! Yeah bring her out!"

And they call out "Puppy!" Then this creature comes barreling out! I find it very misleading and think it might cause me to lose future friends.

But, if the damn dog stays true to form she won't be running anywhere because she is literally the laziest creature I've ever seen! This is what she does for about 21 hours of the day:

The other 3 hours consist of 1.5 hours of eating, 1 hour of bathroom usage and about 30 minutes of collective(not all at once) exercise!

I'm so sincere...to get her to go to the bathroom you have to physically pick her up and put heron her feet. then drag her outside and let her relieve herself after which you run a very good chance that she will find a clean spot in the grass and lay down!

My wife took her for a walk to Petsmart once and she had to steal a cart to bring her back in because she refuse to walk anymore!

Needless to say we're getting pretty strong from having to pick her up...especially with the 5-10 lbs she gains each week...

But it's cool though...she's like an extra piece of furniture...

Why are Mommy & Daddy Wrestling Naked?

2009-05-22T10:45:00.000-05:00

Hey, that's what I tell my kids when they start walking in on us!

Don't you judge me!

One of my loyal readers and "brainstormers" who has brought you great blogs such as: Should I love my son if he's gay:the salon edition?

asked me another question recently that I deemed blog worthy! A question that I roughly touched on previously here.

The question being: "When is a good time to start talking to kids about sex?"

Whoa this is a tough one, before I had kids I firmly believed: "I'm gonna sit my kids down and show them how this is done and we're gonna be open and I'm gonna hip them to the game so they don't caught out there slipping!"

Well yeah that was before...now...as much as I don't want to...I want to shelter them from the world and anything out there that can hurt them!

Now don't get my statement misconstrued cuz I most definitely want them to grow up and get out of my house...but I don't want them to be grown ups and do grown up stuff until they're grown ups. I'd love to just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and they're all college graduates starting their individual careers and lives.

But, alas...this ..is ..not ..life...

So I'm having an internal wrestling match over a few questions.

1. What's the proper age? This is the hardest part of the whole thing and you have to play it juuussst right! If you approach the situation too early and sex wasn't even on their radar well now they reeeaally wanna know what's good with that! On the other hand if you wait too long when you go to tell them about it...they might tell you a thing or three!!!

For instance: I got a niece who's 4 and she randomly asked my wife if she and I have sex? So, needless to say my wife was caught off guard like..what...huh...ummm..uh...what...what are you talking about...hold up...what is sex?

Apparently she thought sex was kissing alot...too much TV?

My wife wife did a good clean up job and told her that "sex is something married people have so since she and I are married yes we do...now go learn to read a book or something!"

I personally would've washed her mouth out with soap and sent her to bed and told her "if you dream about sex I'm gonna beat you in your sleep!"

But that's just me...

And, seeing that my 4 year old niece was asking we figured it a good idea to give my 8 year old son the Spanish Inquisition on the topic! Fortunately, he clearly knows less than she does about the topic...he played shy at first but then he told my wife that someone told him pretty much the whole kissing thing as well. The thing is he's not to the point where he's completely ready to admit that he likes girls yet. So, I'm good on him for a second. When he comes home talking about he's got a girlfriend I'll reevaluate and plan accordingly. Either that or the first time I walk in his room to wake him in the morning and he's pitching a tent..we'll have to have a sit down right then and there!

2. How do I approach the conversation? Do I make it sound as fun as it is?

or do I hit them with the "your penis will fall off" or "if you masturbate you'll go blind"?!?

or

Should I just show him the Hef Mag with the Obama of Playmates(1st African Playmate of the Year):

Then pop in a Nude Flick ..teach him some pointers ..take him to the Bunny Ranch in Vegas & provide him with some prophylactics?

I think that the adult and good parenting move to do would be to sit him down and talk about the big responsibility that is having sex and the diseases involved and the possibility of pregnancy. And the fact that Premarital Sex is supposed to be a sin(my son used to think that GOD gave babies to people when they get married...he thought that we got married 3 times...I don't know how he formulated that theory but, sounds good to me...lets go with that...) and you should save yourself for your eternal soul mate!

It's such a thin line that it's hard to call!

I've always been a fan of the simple statement: Don't Catch any babies or diseases!

3. Do I have the same convo with all my kids or just the boys and let my wife handle my daughter? I absolutely refuse to talk to my daughter about sex...why you may be asking...because I don't have to...that's why I have a wife...I'll stay very far away from all feminine issues & assume that daughter is a perfect little angel and does everything that daddy wants her to do..perfectly until it's time for me to walk her down the aisle! (you call it being in the dark I call it shade on a very sunny day!)

Well, I'm exaggerating a bit...I'm a realist and I force myself to be logical in all situations...it's the easiest way to live life in the long run! So, just like I'll tell my boys that they need to watch where they stick their penises because these little "floozies" (lol, i love that word!) will try to catch them slipping and trap'em! (and you have to guard the sperm...remove the condom yourself and flush it...beware of turkey basters)...I'm going to tell my daughter that these lil hormone induced pimple faced fools are going to be beating down the door to get in her undies...and that she needs to take her time(a very long time...like 30 years time..) to chose and be very careful and protect herself. I'll also try to impress upon herself that she shouldn't make herself common...its all about supply and demand..supply is high=demand is low...supply is low=demand is high(no I was not an econ major...just dibble dabble a bit) to make it simple every dude wants to get a lot of practice at sex before they get married...no dude wants to marry the chick that everybody practiced on!

And just for added precaution...I'll get her one of these:

Ultimately you have to just be open and honest with your kids on all issues ...create an open line of communication and your kids just might come to you with questions when they get curious...but if you keep a close eye on your youngins(as all good parents should...keep them close...and don't let the TV and Internet raise them) you'll know when they're starting to get curious and you can provide them with all the answers to they're questions before their friends tell them:

You can't get pregnant if you just stick the head in!

or

You can't get pregnant if she's on top!

You can't get pregnant the 1st time!

or

To be extra safe use 2 condoms!

All these myths will lead you a grandparentdom before you hit 35....not a good look at all!

Moral of the story....Lie to your Kids,Lock your door and soundproof your walls!!!!!

I Need Your Help...

2009-05-19T11:09:00.003-05:00

I just realized that I have an anniversary coming up in exactly 2 weeks!!!!

I have absolutely noooooo Idea what to do? any suggestions?

I'm good though cuz knowing my wife she probably forgot as well...matter of fact she probably won't remember until the day of!

So...send me some suggestions and if their half way descent I'll use 1 or 2 of them and blog about the after effect later!

David & Goliath

2009-05-18T13:19:00.012-05:00

So I previously discussed with you the fact that my son is playing football this spring team.

And the other day while telling you how taxing Mother's Day was for me I briefly mentioned my son's football season thus far and stated that I'd touch on this issue more in the future...well today is that future of which I spoke...

For those of you that know me...well you already know...for those of you that don't I'd like to make you privy to a very important bit of info about me that will help you form a better opinion about me:

info #1 We take sports very serious in my household!

info #2 Being a Gentleman is very important & not being a Sissy is a close second...it's a photo finish so to speak!

info #3 I push my kids(very hard) to always do there best!

info #4 Most importantly..I strive to teach my kids to be amazing children of GOD, although we all fall short on a daily basis...especially me..we still should strive towards being the best we can!

Anyway I digress, let me explain to you this football team a bit further. My son is 8 and last year he played in a league that kept the weight requirement low...the league was perfect for him because he was one of the biggest kids usually and the combination of his size and being the one of the fastest produced a 13 touchdown 1,000+ yard season.

So, these time I wanted to test him a bit in the spring to see how he would fair against kids bigger than him. His new league doesn't necessarily have a weight requirement (well they do but its like 130 or something...my son weighs 75 with pads) its just age. ...oh and did i fail to mention that it's a 10 year old league?

See, the thing is my son ended his season last year thinking he was a superstar and was untouchable. Thus, I felt the need to ~~lower his self esteem~~ see if he could rise to the competition! And, it took a bit of work on my behalf to get him to focus and step his game up and put out the best product he has to offer. Mind you we are still working on it, but we're getting there!

He's had several games cancelled or postponed for 1 reason or another (swine flu running rampid in Texas being 1 of them) but so far he's had 2.

The 1st went alright he ran the ball a bit and caught a few passes and his team beat a rather evenly match squad. But last Saturday they played a team of giants, which is how I found out that there was in fact a weight limit (i didn't think there was 1...go figure..)...this little sumo from the other team weighed in at at least 140!

That's right...140+ lbs (which is twice my son's size) of man child! And, the kicker is they were all pretty much that size! Our coach complained but to no avail!

Here's a pic I took of the kid in question(he's on the left):

The worst part of all was the fact that not only were they huge(our kids were playing in shadows all game) but they played dirty as hell...my son was the lead blocker on one play that resulted in a touchdown and when the ref blew the whistle this little punk from the other team punched him in his back! And, that's how the whole game went: late hits, kids getting kicked, punched or stepped on while on the ground!

They tackled my son by his head once...by his head...not your average face mask ..no ..no ..no ..no ..this kids grabbed his face mask with one hand and his neck with the other ...kinda how you wrangle a calf:

and the ref was off getting his oranges, graham crackers and Powerade for snack I guess. I had to, for the 1st time in my life, get up out of the bleachers, tell my wife to watch the kids and the dog, and go and threaten the referee! Rather unfortunate...

The boys played there heart out and tried their best:

My son did get his 1st touchdown of the season, so that was a good thing and although he came home battered and bruised he realized that pain is temporary and just to push through it!

Well at least that's what I told him...well I said, "stop whining and man up!" But that's what I meant!

Unfortunately yet amazingly they only lost by 1 point 13-12!

With a team full of 8 & 9 year olds, none of which weight more than 90 lbs in a 10-11 year old league against a bunch of 130= lbs behemoths this is a truly amazing feat!

Part Deux soon to come...

Cougars and pregnancy!!!

2009-05-18T13:14:00.003-05:00

How do you feel about this?

Recovery...

2009-05-18T10:44:00.009-05:00

I've been harassed by a few people who were wondering...due to the lack of post.. were I'd disappeared to ?!?

Well, as it states above I've been in recovery...

From what you may ask? Well, life in general but from Mother's Day mostly!

Yeah you man be say to yourself that that's just one day and it was like 2 weeks ago...first off...don't you judge me! ...secondly...I go hard for my wife on her special days...at least I feel as if I do!

First allow me to set the scene and give you a bit of background: As I had stated a while back my son plays spring football and somehow through some strange twist and turns and one of those pull a quarter out of your ear magic tricks he ended up in a league with waaaay bigger kids(I'll talk about this at a later date) that plays waaaay early! And, by early I mean 9 AM! ridiculous right...yeah, I think so as well! And, if you've every played football as a child or have a child that plays football you know that there are weigh-ins an hour before the game and of course I get daddy detail of waking my son up and getting him ready! So I've been doing that for the last 3 weeks.

Factor this in with my father in law taking my wife and our family and her sister and her kids out to dinner the night before at P.F.Changs,which was insanely crowded thus leaving us waiting for at least an hour and a half( we didn't get home until after midnight) and you have a very tired daddy!

My oldest son was so tired after his game (he played on the playground for about a half and then watched half of another game but it was just too damn hot so we went home) that he actually slept for damn near 6 hours...hard..we kept going into the the room to check if he was still breathing!

We spent the remainder of the day lounging around watching sports and playing video games in recovery mode...

After my wife passed out to leave me to fend for myself amongst the jackals that we call our offspring. I made sure everyone was properly nutritionized and locked them in there cages and set my plan into action!

I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom(minus my youngest son's room cuz he's a bit off and if I woke him up it would've been trouble getting him back to sleep...he'd be up at 4am talking 'bout: "put Diego on"..."watch Dora DVD"...I'd have to hit him with a tranquilizer dart when he wasn't looking...i chose to clean his room in the morning..with his assistance of course) that night!

I was up until 4am! And, we were supposed to go to brunch at 10am!

And the brunch fiasco was just utter bedlam. The 10am brunch that was supposed to be for 4 mothers at a random location unknown to everyone on the other side of town turned into 10:30 before we even left the house. Then as we're about to get on the highway we find out that 1 of the mothers wouldn't be in attendance..but apparently everyone wasn't informed of this because a different mother was at her house waiting to pick her up. Once she found out that she was waiting in vain she issued an idle threat that she wasn't going, which in turn upset a third mother..which then lead my wife to decide she was going to fix everything and had me turn the car around(I was at this point parked in a random parking lot as the mommies haggled everything out on a blackberry conference call) and head to the first mother's house so she could in her "infinite wisdom" fix the situation! This is where it takes a turn for the worse..my wife decides that i should take all the kids to get something to eat seeing as none of them ate when they woke up because we were going to brunch!

If it sounds crazy and utterly ridiculous...you're not getting the full feel cuz it was worse then that...let me try to simplify it a bit:

Mommy A: No Go
Mommy B: No Know
Mommy C: No Happy
Mommy D: No Sense
Daddy D: No Patience left!

So i find myself with a car load of starving children dressed in their Sunday best! And, I'm told to take them to the worst place possible:McDonald's...where I proceed to buy a 50 piece nugget, a duffel bag full of fries & 10 gallons of Sweet Tea! All the proper ingredients for Child Diabetes, Strokes & Heart Attacks!

Then I get summoned to return to the residence of the first mother to be told that she is still in fact not going! At which point I'm ordered to reroute and go to the home of the third mom to smooth out her pisstivity. While in route to aforementioned residence I receive a phone call from my wife that we have been directed by the husband of the third mother to come no where near the residence and now we are to find our own means of nourishment!

And, at 12:27 pm I find myself in IHOP parking lot....

And, I'd rather not relive the debauchery that took place inside of this "restaurant" I'll just throw out a few keywords/phrases and let you draw your own conclusion:

5 children, silverware, crayons, furniture, crying, beatings, food, church clothes, frustrated adults, hunger, sleep deprivation...

We sat in the damn place for almost 2 hours because eventually my wife's parents showed up and the kids wanted to play with them...I received alot of dirty looks and head shakes from other patrons...and my kids have officially become those kids...

At some point it was decided that there would be a BBQ at my in-laws and we were rushed to arrive there...mind you before they even got home?!? Go Figure?!?

No wonder I'm so skinny...these people refuse to feed me on time on a consistent basis!

But, my final mother's day gift to all aforementioned mothers was a massage...so I pulled out the table...set it up by the pool and spend my entire evening working...didn't even get to eat! The crazy part is the kids all decided that they wanted massages as well and even gave me their allowance as means of payment (don't you judge me...I gave it back)

And, then I had to come home..put the kids to bed..and give my wife a massage..and be a "good husband"!

And I bought her 2 shirts she wanted from http://www.weareoverlooked.com/

All I know is after this madness...Father's Day better be straight FIYAH!!!!!

I'm talking parades...new sneakers...presidential address...more sneakers...fireworks...more sneakers...cruises...well you get the jist...

And, for anyone that doesn't know Father's Day is June 21st, 2009 I'll expect my gifts to be in the mail soon!!!!!

34 days and counting!

P.S. I like sneakers

Is there a vacine that can make people sterile?

2009-05-05T13:49:00.004-05:00

Because if there is I'm looking to buy in bulk. And, then I'm loading up the tranquillizers and going on a manhunt!

I'm dumb busy today so I don't even have time to get into why human beings need to be sterilized and this video that I happened across is just another strong point in my You're Not Fit campaign!

These fools not only need to be hit with a tranquillizer dart but more importantly a duffel bag full of sit yo dumb ass down!

Where are there parents? And, do they know that their furniture is being molested? I doubt it!

The fact that one of them had his damn shirt tied up in a knot in the back mixed with the homoerotic behavior of 5 half naked boys in a living room humping ottomans in the mirror is just too much for me at this point!

And if this were one of my boys I most certainly would not love them any longer!

I have to go...this is just too disturbing and I have actually work to do...

I hope I've given you enough reason to sign my "You're Not Fit" petition!!!!!

Papitosway Youtube Clip of the Week 3

2009-05-03T00:13:00.005-05:00

This kid makes me laugh...enjoy...sorry I'm been m.i.a....be back soon!

And, as promised here's the baby laughing:

Papitosway Youtube Clip of the Week 2

2009-05-02T23:59:00.006-05:00

It's official the epidemic has hit the suburban kids...

Shorty got LOW, LOw, Low, LO, Lo....

This is a new twist I'm adding to it...cuz, well...babies make me laugh so, I figure that it should work on you as well!!

I bid you Good day...and Good week!!!!!

No More Piglet Pandemic?!?!?

2009-05-01T12:19:00.010-05:00

But watch out for that H2N2 Flu aka Hell 2 da Naw part deux...

Or as the government likes to call it H1N1 Flu ...some lab coat and funny mask wearing folks got together and decided that in you live in FLorida, CAliforina or TeXas that it's a wrap for you so it's best to take your kids out of school, put'em in bubbles & stand guard!

Seeing as I'm in the belly of the beast the wife and I have put on gloves, grabbed the sanitizer and disinfectant and locked out the outside world.

Oh and we got mask for the whole clan.

Step your Fall Out Shelter game up people...seriously...ya'll ain't really bout that! Get on my level!!!!!

Hold On a minute...somebodies at my door...

Wait...

WTF!!!!!

It's 3 guys dressed like this:

Should I answer it?

What do you think they want?

To Be Continued...

Next level Ish...

2009-05-01T11:47:00.002-05:00

I'm starting a video blog...so I think that makes me a Vlogger now!!!

Stay tuned for more info on it...

Here's a teaser thought though...just to wet your chops:

It involves my true love...please don't tell my wife or my chick on the side!!!

I got somethings in the works so I hope that you bear with me and enjoy the outcome...

p.s. I'll be looking for guest vloggers and bloggers soon!

Like I Said Before...

2009-04-29T10:28:00.006-05:00

Some people just aren't fit to reproduce!

Yet they do it anyway...unfortunately...and this is the outcome:

Seriously MJ...seriously?!? WOW!?!

Know do you feel that this individual should have reproduced:

You know what?...matter of fact...you don't even have to answer that question....

Lessons Learned from a Mother...

2009-04-28T15:14:00.004-05:00

Its been a while since I've done a top 5 or 10 so i decided to spring 1 on you right quick!

I think that it's ultra important to have both parents work together together to raise kids. There are essential lessons that children of both genders can learn from both parents. A little boy needs a father to provide him with examples of how to be(or possibly not to be) a good man and the same little boy needs his mother to provide an example of what he should (or shouldn't) look for in a woman!

And visa versa for little girls!

So, here's my top list of things that a mother should know(or know how to do) and should in turn teach their daughters:

5.How to listen: doing this could avoid having to use the skill set in #4. I'm sorry females but as much as you all want be listened to, you listen about as we'll as a deaf bat with a rock on his head. And, mothers are even worse because you've grown accustomed to tuning out your kids, thus you use this selective hearing in all "conversations" in your life.

4. How to fight: Every man needs a woman who can protect herself (cuz, honestly we can't beat up every drunk guy in the bar that grabs your azz!) and every woman should know how to protect herself because dudes quite often act up and if he puts his hands on you he needs to get handled then and there not after you put in a call to your cousins that just got home.

3. How to change a tire and the oil: Mind you I've been called upon to save a few damsel's in distress in my day when they needed a tire fixed or a jump because their battery died, but I'm much rather they save me sometime...I'm just saying! My wife is actually good at this sort of thing (maybe cuz she's rough as all hell on her cars...seriously...she used to go offroading in her old Daewoo...go figure!?!)

2.How to cook: I had to teach my wife how to cook...not a pretty sight...it's a very bad look to be a female and not know how to cook. And, I don't want to hear that "I can cook breakfast" nonsense...who can't crack an egg and toss it around with a fork...come on seriously...step your culinary game up!

1. How to be a run a household: It is my belief that a woman runs a house! This is obvious in homes headed by single mothers of course but even in homes where there are 2 parents the mother is the backbone! I'm an 80's baby so I grew up wanting a Clair Huxtable so, that's what a good wife and mother (like mine..brownie points b!t$h3$...lol!) should be teaching her daughter!

So, here's my top list of things that a mother should know(or know how to do) but should not in turn teach their daughters(at least until they are off age and married):

5. How to fall back and play her position: Now I want my daughter to be very self-sufficient and I don't want her to ever let anyone steal her shine or dim her light, but trying to outshine your husband and not knowing your "place" (yeah that's right I said it...and I'm not afraid of the backlash that I'll receive either) as a wife and let her man be the man!

4. How to work her MoJo to get a man to do what she wants:

3. How to Role Play: this is a skill that most kids have already because all kids play make believe...but somewhere around 11 kids get away from being fictitious characters and become overly concerned with real life. So all mom's should tape into that inner child and play french maid or maybe Ms.Officer.

2. How to do this:

1. How to ummm...keep there husband happy...in all the rooms of the house!

So ultimately at the end of the day every man is going to feel this way:

So, mothers raise your daughters up the right way and they will be perfect well-rounded women that their wonderful well-rounded husbands will love, cherish and adore eternally!!!!!

The World News...Papitosway...11th Installment...

2009-04-28T15:12:00.006-05:00

What has happened to My Home by the Sea???

I'm a bit speechless and don't know what to say.?!?

As a parent you think that you're sending your kids somewhere safe with people that will take care of them and this happens!

I might just home school my kids and then send them to University of Phoenix online so they don't have to interact with the loonies out there. Maybe I'll have them look into being web designers and they won't have to leave the house ever...

Plus with the Piglet Flu pandemic it just isn't safe outside of my house!!!!!

Jealousy is a Weak Emotion...

2009-04-28T13:11:00.008-05:00

As always I welcome all conversation topics and blog ideas from my readers. And, my H-town homie LJ hit me with a very good question that I'd like to answer.

The question: If my wife had a personal trainer that was "hot" that she enjoyed going to him...would I have a problem with this fact?

The answer: Well the first answer that popped into my head was that I'm not stressing over any other dudes cuz my wife knows about 40% of my craziness and that's enough for her to know better than to do something outside of my marriage (she better keep the cheating in her dreams and keep her lips sealed tight while she sleeps cuz if I catch wind of a name after a snicker or a moan while she sleeps its a WRAP!) and ruin the happy home that she has!

But then I though some more and the next thing that popped into my head was why the hell would my wife go out and pay some other fool my hard earned money to do the exact same thing that I do for a living. Seeing as I'm a personal trainer and supervisor of a facility I could more or less offer her all the same guidance and expertise as Joe Blockhead...plus I could provide her with a "well deserved reward" when she's doing good.

Ultimately, I'm not a jealous individual...it's a weak emotion as far as I'm concerned..thus, I don't deal in it! If I feel the need to be jealous I don't feel that I need to be with the individual at the root of these feelings! Simple as that!!!

I trust my wife and if she felt that she would be better suited(which is probably true) to seek outside guidance on this matter to achieve a goal and save arguments at home so be it...as long as she comes home looking all Mel B.ish:

(this is post child birth folks...and she's got a couple..)

I'm a happy dude and she's free to do what every her heart desires!

No questions asked!!!!!

Hostile Takeover...SahDahTay...

2009-04-28T13:00:00.003-05:00

Over the last few months I've blogged very sporadically as the 3(million) of you that actually read on the regular know...

I've been going through somethings in my home with my family that I had to work out before I could get back to the happy blogger that I am...plus i didn't want to leave a paper trail of angry blogs in case somebody from my camp came up missing...

My wife and I hadn't been seeing eye to eye on a lot of family issues and we weren't on the same page...or the same book...matter of fact we weren't even in the same library! And between work (preparing for my Grand Opening), and school...I havn't been home much! (thus the lack of material which further adds to my blogs being few and far between)

And, my little hustler children took this as the perfect opportunity to stage a Coup in the crib...and trust me when I tell you it was successful on a Che Guevera/Fidel Castro overthrowning the Cuban government level!

They had my wife scared to get out of bed...

So in comes superhero daddy swanggin the belt around rather PootieTang-esque I must say!

Which actually furthered the divide because the kids have developed split personalities: They were good upstanding citizens when I was home, but straight thugs while I was gone!

The Mrs. and I had to get on the same page rather swiftly or our imminent demise was inevitable!

I learned alot from the last 4 months though...mostly, the fact that even if your right, it doesn't matter if you give the answer in wrong manner! Thus, I've had to work on my communication skills and delivery...

And, most importantly...you can rule with an ironfist, but at least wrap it in a nice soft mitten... (lmao, I know you think I'm stupid for that 1 but it makes since if you think about it...)

In closing...spend more time with your kids...love'em more, read to'em more and possibly whip the belt out on'em more...

They'll be better for it in the end...and who knows maybe they'll love you for it in the long run!

Oh, and you and your spouse(or the mother/father of your children) have to stick together to raise the youngins! It's like a battle of wits or a huge game of chess...you must out think, outwit and out hustle your children...they're like wild animals...they travel in packs and they attack the weak! So, it's best to combine forces and make sure that ya'll are the alpha male and female in the herd!

That's all I have to say about this matter now for fear of prosecution at a later date...

This is my I told you so!!!!!

2009-04-28T09:51:00.007-05:00

For those of you who know me...you know that I been trying to tell ya'll fools to stop eating that PIG...but noooooo...nobody wanted to listen to me!!!!!

Now look what happened Swine Flu-N-ZAH is running rampid through the streets...

I figure its only a matter of time before they shut down the schools here (seeing as they shut a school system down that's about 10-15 miles outside of town) cuz this is of course Lil-May-He-Co. And, soon to follow thereafter will be City establishments so, I plan to take a nice little vacay ( Cancun maybe?)

So, even though nobody wanted to listen I'll still be nice and help you any way. Below are links to articles about the Peperoni Flu that you should read while eating a nice Veggie Pizza!

Pork Sausage Flu Basics

Lips that touch Swine will never touch mine

And I know I joke alot and often make light of situations but this is serious people so be cautious & careful!!!!!

Graphic detailing the World Health Organisation six-phase pandemic alert system, which was raised to four on Monday, indicating a "significant increase in risk of a pandemic". World health officials have admitted they are powerless to halt the spread of swine flu and have ratcheted up their pandemic alert level as the number of affected countries rises sharply.(AFP/Martin Megino/Gal/Js)

The World News...Papitosway...10th Installment...

2009-04-27T23:38:00.003-05:00

Millionaire...Maybe not?

Slumdog...Definitely!!!!!

Two "mothers" got to scraping over ownership of one of the Slumdog Millionaire stars!

Now, on one hand this is shameful that their subjecting this child to this type of behavior (I bet they weren't fighting over her when she was just a lil "DGK") and on the other hand I'm kind of glad that this doesn't just happen in the hoods in America!

Keep your family far and your enemies close....

PapitosWay Youtube Clip of the Week...

2009-04-26T22:51:00.002-05:00

This is something new that I'm going to try. Tell me what you think and if you like it I might try to do it daily...if you don't...Oh well...I don't care!

Since there are about 5 minutes left of Sunday I figured I'd post this video:

Please don't let you kids join the choir if they sing like this! Everybody isn't supposed to have a solo...if your kid looks like this maybe they should be in the upper row in the choir or with a voice like that a career in praise dancing is appropriate!

I'm just sayin!

The Ghetto Cowboy Easter Egg Hunt Chronicles...Part 3

2009-04-22T22:24:00.007-05:00

So if you've been following the story you know all about:

part 1 aka Down Goes Frazier

& part 2 aka The Hunt for Half-Boiled Eggs

Well, I appreciate you tuning in for the third edition...

After the madness died down it was time to go to the BBQ. (it wouldn't be Texas if there wasn't one, these people BBQ on Christmas, at 1 year old's birthday parties and funerals...it's nothing)

This is where the real fun began...not to mention where I ate a rather interesting Chilli-ish substance.

OK! SO let me set the scene...we had to hope in the whip to ride about a quarter mile uphill to the 56th (I don't know the actual number but this event is apparently a cornerstone of the community) annual b-day celebration for the queen (and trust she goes hard...by the end of the day she had me breaking down and cleaning up the fairgrounds, and I was just a guest bringing my kids to an Easter Egg Hunt) of the black cowpeople!

Mind you there was a cover charge for this outdoor birthday party...that strangely enough was supposed to be family only (I'm not sure if they just knew that this event was that much of the jumpoff that people were going to try to sneak in or if they were actually charging family to come to the birthday party...either way...very Gangsta!!!!!) Luckily enough we had some connects that go us in to VIP! (good lookin out LJ)

...Upon getting out of the car I see a little girl smuggling half boiled eggs in her cheeks hiding behind a car...and my two year old finds and egg on the ground and decides to throw it at her...I watch to see if she was planning to eat it...she contemplates but sees me and scampers off....

Seeing as once again, I known a couple of Very Important People my kids and my nieces and nephews got first dibs on the Easter baskets hidden in the trunk of an unmarked car! (Once again, good lookin out LJ) But, there's a gang of kids from the Easter Egg Hunt swarming and they're worse than them damn Somalian Pirates so we had to jump in the van and lock the doors! At which put our kids tore into their baskets and proceeded to get all hyped up on sugar products.

Once the coast was clear and we got out of the car is when we saw him...that's right ladies and gentlemen...the one you've all been waiting for...THE Ghetto Cowboy!!!!!

That's right folks...there were Extra Medium Horse(bigger than a pony yet much smaller than a regular horse) Rides.

And, the crowd goes wild!

The kids loved it! All of em were riding the horse...even my 8 year old and his feet were practically dragging in the dirt but he loved it none the less!

After the horse rides it was rather normal...the kids tossed the football around and chased each other while the adults mingled, although I had some questions about the female sheriff who seemed to be working (cuz she had on her uniform) but, she also seemed to be partying and mingling a bit too much to be on duty!?! But then there was an announcement over the loudspeaker that someone had lost a cellphone and they were offering $20 to whomever found it, and the kids went wild(this recession is apparently effecting everyones pockets cuz the kids wanted that $20) and the female sheriff was looking as well, which again made me wonder!?!

Needless to say, no one ever found the cell and we had to send out a search party for the kids because they were a mile down the road looking for the damn phone!

But, then the DJ turns up the music and the very interesting event turns into one of those life milestones that you must videotape to shiw your kids kids someday! I see a little boy who couldnt've been older than 5 dancing harder to some song than I've ever danced in my life...so, me being me I gassed up my 5 year old nephew to go battle him and greatness was to follow!!!!!

Please bare witness to You Got Served...The Prequel

Please note the 8 year old boy that jumps in at about a 1 minute in and trys to steal the show and notice how infectious the music and movement is...it eventually draws most of the kids in. We actually had to stop filming, but there was a group of girls that came in after about 3 more songs and tried to show off their moves but the dance floor had already been burned down by then so, no one really cared!

Now these kids possess stamina, dedication, determination and drive...everything that you need to make it in life. Now if they could actually apply it to something other that BBQ battles great things could happen!

Not to long after the battle the park ranger smith showed up and told someone to shut it down...and this is the point where my wife and I got assigned to breakdown and clean up duty( I'm talking tents and grills and DJ equipment and some other crap)

Since the kids worked up a major sweat we took them to Cheddar's(one of our favorite places to dine) to eat and found out that they don't serve our favorite dip which almost prompted our immediate departure, but everyone was dumb hungry so we sucked it up!

Happy Ending to a Happy Day!!!

Deuces...

Your Not Fit To Reproduce...

2009-04-21T16:06:00.006-05:00

I've decided that there needs to be waaayyyy more thought and much more stringent qualifications put into who has the opportunity to produce offspring.

We need boundaries...because everybody doesn't need to make duplicates... (case in point the Octomom, or Alfie Patten & his Chantelle {by the way...Alfie is not the father })

So, my theory is that people should have to register to reproduce...

First let me explain to you my criteria and why I feel it's important. The following is my list:

Education: Let me start by saying that this is not at the top of the list because it's the most important. Nor am I directly speaking about college education...common sense/street smart education can take you a long way...trust me! However, having some form of higher education is important...it doesn't always have to be a doctorate...maybe you want to go to barber college or do facials...maybe you want to be a hair stylist...everybody has to do something! but if you aren't constantly learning then that passes on to the next generation. And, who wants a dumb bunch of ignorant children running around?

Finances: Man, listen...if no one else has told you let me be the one to let you know that kids are F'n expensive...did you know that you actually have to feed these fools? I know crazy right?!?

I mean just my insurance alone (mind you I would not have insurance if I didn't have kids...) is like a damn mortgage payment...utterly ridiculous considering when we take the kids to the doctor...it's for a cold or some other nonsense and they just give us Tylenol (that's right a prescription for $4 Tylenol...but what the take out of my check for this is like raping my soul).

And, these lil bastards grow fast...apparently because they eat so much!?!

Then add in the extracurricular activities (I just paid $300 in total for football) and you come out with -$10...

Needless to say if you don't have your finances in order then you will be asking for some serious government assistance and then my taxes are going to continue to skyrocket because ignorant folks keep procreating and they end up needing a bailout....I abhor you and the octomom...

Felonies: Basically if you're doing illegal activity this means you have a strong propensity for making bad decisions thus, parenting might not be your forte! Beside, if there's a chance you could end up in jail at any given moment (not to mention the 3 strikes rule) then being responsible for a life might not be the best idea...I'm not sure but I don't there are any penitentiaries with childcare...

Addictions: This one is simple...if you're addicted to something then that "something" consumes you! Thus, you put all your time, energy, and resources into that "something"! This can't be if you have a kid. I don't care if its drugs, alcohol, sex or money (all of which could have possibly lead to you having said children)...but in the end you will try to put any one of them before your child! Definite No Go!

IQ: If your as dumb as a wet paper bag full of dried up baby poop then why would you want to pass that on to another generation(well you problem don't know what the hell I'm talking about so I'll talk to those around you)...why would you let that fool next to you procreate? It's a recipe for life as a failure...actually I retract that statement...it's very well possible that you could be president...but do you want to be this guy:

Even when you somehow gain all of the power in the world your low IQ still tends to shine through! And, I think we all know now that we don't want someone like this making decisions that effect us!

And, think of your kids futures...nobody wants to walk around the rest of their life avoiding people throwing shoes at them!

Level of Common Sense: This is your level and aptitude to make responsible, basic, "common sense" decisions. For instance: Don't breastfeed your child while your driving...and talking on the cell phone!

Universal Level of Attractiveness: ( 8 out of 10 people find you attractive...or not): this is a subjective factor and it in itself will not cause any one individual to be denied the opportunity to reproduce. However 2 universally unattractive people can very well be denied.

It has been my observation that people that aren't found attractive by others ae quite often unhappy...which leads to negative energy...which leads to violence and hatred. And who wants that? So, just to be safe if you're universally unattractive you should somehow(either by being rich, being an athlete...rich, or having phenomenal sense of self..a.k.a. swagga) find a mate that isn't...then there's a possibility that your child will be attractive or at least a 5 or 6(on a 10 point subjective scale). And those are much better odds in life...wouldn't you say?!?

Don't you want your kids to have more opportunity that did?

Hater Level: Disclaimer: Ma, please forgive my language in the next line! Kanye put it best when he said,"There's gonna always be haters, that's the way it is...Hater N*66@$ marry hater B!tC4e$ & have hater kids! "

Now, I personally don't want my kids in school with your hatin ass kids...so, let's do everybody a favor and don't create them! Plus, doesn't it suck being a hater...do you want your child to follow in your miserable footsteps? Isn't life sad trying to find someone or something to be angry about?

Go smile at something...damn!

Quality of Life: If your life sucks like this...

and you think that, hey if I have a kid then they'll provide me with a purpose and add joy to my life! Sorry, you're dead wrong and your being a dreamer is actually going to make you look like a dumb ass in the end!

Kids have a way of making everything worse! Don't get me wrong I love mine, but....they make it hard to live sometimes...(for instance: if you're late to work everyday...kids will make you later! if you don't get enough sleep...kids will cause you to sleep less! if you can barely afford to live...well 1. you're stupid to want kids, but 2. you'll be in a shelter!)

Get my drift?

Kids can make your life worth living, but they can also push you over the edge and make you want to stand on the edge of a cliff over shark infested waters and play a lil bit of R & R...

Spirituality: I'm a Christian, but that doesn't mean that you have to believe what I believe to reproduce...I just think that you should believe in something even if it's reincarnation.

If you don't believe that there's something bigger than the here and now what reason is there to consider your fellow man's feelings and happiness? If all I have is the next 75 years and then I'm fertilizer then I'm gonna go balls to the wall and do whatever the hell I feel like regardless of right or wrong, morals, or consideration of anyone's feelings but my own!

I'll rob, cheat, and steal maybe even kill to make millions and have all of the material things life has to offer! Now, how many lives do you think that I could possible ruin and leave in my wake with those type of actions?

Now, if you're a open minded, rational human being you will actually read this rather long post and realize that a good parent should at least get a 7 out of 10 in all the above categories.

However, I'm still developing my grading system!

But, I think that kids should just get some form of birth control that is implanted in them at a young age so that they are unaware of it and not removed until the apply for reproduction privileges and go before the board for approval of their request.

This is just how it would work in my world at least

Now let the negative comments commence...

Or maybe you have something that you'd like to add to the list...I'm open to suggestions.

My Bad Fool...

2009-04-17T07:50:00.004-05:00

If you read the blog yesterday and liked the shirts or jewelry, I apologize because, I forgot to put the website up!

Hey we all make mistakes...

http://www.weareoverlooked.com/

Any way buy a bunch of stuff and help save the children....& some adults too!

Save the Children...

2009-04-16T13:51:00.007-05:00

I'm going to be in and out of trainings and meetings all day long so you won't hear from me much...

sorry..

But, I'll leave you with a site that's near and dear to my heart!!!! This site is dedicated to helping children and people in third world countries that have endured horrible circumstances!

Please search through the site and buy a t-shirt or some jewelry form the store to help support the less fortunate!

I personally like these:

But, please look through the site...and I hope you find something that you like or if not just donate a couple of bucks!!!

Last installment of the Ghetto Cowboy Easter Egg Hunt coming soon...

And I'm gone!

Attack of the Alamo...

2009-04-15T10:28:00.005-05:00

I am a proud resident of San Antonio, TX!

I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a Texan, nor do I aspire to be...

I joke about it being Lil May-He-Co (a guy at the SAPD actually said this to me while doing my finger prints for employment)quite often (and it is) but all in all it's a good place to live!

Now any self respecting San Antonian (or Texans for that matter) how at least paid half ass attention in history class should now what I mean by "Remember The Alamo!" , and for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about...check the link, or ask your favorite Texans favorite Texan, thus I'm not going to give you a history lesson right now...

maybe later...but not now!

Needless to say 99.9 % of the population in this wonderful city speaks Espanol...and I'll just say that I'm not the most proficient with the "Lingo"! My wife's mother and grandparents who all live here as well are Puerto Rican and shes a half-breed(there'll be some backlash for that 1) so they all speak the "Lingo" as well!

I find myself at a crossroads because my 2 year old counts better in Espanol than he does in English!

Seriously, if you ask him how old he is, he'll emphatically shout "8!"

or ask him to count, and it'll go something like this: "1,2,8,9, 12"

but if you say count my fingers in Espanol and it'll sound like this: "uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis..."

And, there I was thinking that I lived in an predominately English speaking residence...!?!?

I don't know who to blame...it's either the Grandparents or Diego & Dora...!?!?!

I mean it's cool for my kids to be all smart and bilingual and whatnot...but when it's causing a language barrier between me and my kids something has to be rectified!!!

We were in Marshall's a couple of weeks ago and this lil fool was shouting ¡Vamos! at me for about a half and hour before I finally realized what the hell he was talking about!

This damn Espanol is breaking up a happy home I tell you...

If no one has a better idea I think I'm going to either start a petition to have Dora & Diego banned from TV in the states or I'm going to get my wife and her family deported! Maybe I'll keep my wife around as a nanny(unless of course I can find one that actually cleans and is cheaper)...how much do Green Cards cost?

They way I see it I'm out of any other options...

The Ghetto Cowboy Easter Egg Hunt Chronicles...part 2

2009-04-15T10:08:00.003-05:00

Awwww...here we are at the meat & potatoes portion of the weekend.

I hope you enjoyed the part 1 appetizer while you were waiting for me to serve this up!

Apparently unbeknowst to me for the last umpteen years the Saturday before Easter Sunday is when the annual Ghetto Cowboy Easter Egg Hunt takes place in Austin,TX. (hit me up and I'll see if I can get you on the guess list next year)

Now, I've heard about this infamous event from my wife for years because she took our oldest son to it years ago when he was just a toddler. This is a legendary story that she loves to tell every year around this time.(if you want her number and would like to hear the story send me a message) She likes to tell the story because at the particular event the hide dyed hard-boiled eggs.

The humorous part of this whole story is that it takes a special brand of youngster to prosper in such a hunt. Said youngster must have certain essential traits:

1st a keen eye(non-color blind) to spot the small colorful eggs in a very large field with the highest grass this side of the Rio Grande.

2nd they have to be fast and willing to knock other children of all ages (2-12)over without remorse...it's a cold world.

3rd they have to actually like the taste of hard-boiled eggs...although, I question whether or not said eggs were in fact completely cooked! (this is what set my snob of a child apart)

See, my oldest son is the ultimate mommas boy and because of this he was extra soft for the longest time...it's been the last year or so that i finally broke him of this behavior. So, finding an Easter egg and trying to open it up to get the candy inside and finding some squishy greenish-yellow substance pretty much solidified that he was done with that particular egg hunt. And, being the overly emo toddler that he was he apparently sat the rest of the event out...actually let me retract that statement...I believe he actually went around and pointed out eggs to other children, while refusing to actually touch them!

Anyway fast forward to the 2009 edition and you have my 2 boys, 2 nieces & nephew in the midst of 20-30 kids trying to locate 60 dozen eggs.

Let me paint a picture of utter pandemonium. As the hoards of children where coming over the hill we started giving our kids bags and baskets to place there eggs in. This somehow turned into a line of kids telling us that they didn't get a bag(as if we were a stop on the egg hunt destination) luckily we scraped together enough plastic bags for everyone. Next the person in charge of the event "middle management" aka "juice bar" lined all the kids up and told them the boundaries(which obviously weren't decided upon by the planning committee as a whole, because the eggs had been placed waaay outside of said boundaries...and I would even go as far to say that they are still out there!)

Someone yells GO! And, then the madness ensues!

Now, this is the part where I decide that the hard boiled eggs weren't the best idea...some kids are just so enthralled with the thrill of the race that they are trampling the eggs and trust me hard boiled eggs stuck in the wedges of your child's shoes isn't the smell that you'd want to decipher for an hour and a half trip home! And, the excitement of the event clouds children's ability to softly place eggs in their bags, which of course leads to a bag full of cracked hard-boiled eggs, which we of course would not allow in our car and left on the grounds of the hunt site!

But in closing you've never seen anything until you've seen a group of kids tear into a bag of hard-boiled eggs like those little hooligans from Lord of The Flies !

It's a bit scary and unnerving...

But, ultimately the kids had fun hunting and then throwing away their bags of eggs...so, we're good to go!

Part 3 is where it gets good...

so, stay tuned for the Ghetto Cowboy siting!

Sorry I can't post the pics yet my camera is tripping a bit at the moment!

The Difference b/w a Father & a Daddy...

2009-04-14T13:23:00.004-05:00

I'm going to get on a serious note for a second.

Quincy Brown the son of Kim Porter and Al.B. Sure, but raised by Sean "Diddy" Combs wrote a "Letter To My Father".

I'll post the letter along with a link to his blog..I think there's a diss record that accompanies it as well!?!

A Letter To My Father:

I’ve been inspired throughout my life by special circumstances and unique experiences. Foremost, I grew up with a family that injected me with unconditional love and enduring confidence. This is my foundation … the family holidays and celebrations with my maternal lineage … supportive smiles in audiences at school programs … guiding hands to complete homework and special projects in the wee hours of the morning.

However, I grew up without my father, an irreplaceable force and influence that was absent in my life. I watched other kids enjoy the embrace of theirs, and I searched for a way to reconcile the meaning of my circumstance.

Despite my pain, I’ve imagined a life as a good son with my father. Baseball … Playing in School Band … Church … All of the things that he would expect his son to do, I’ve done. I’ve stood in front of audiences to receive awards. I heard their applause and praise. But, the accolades have been absent the sound of his clapping hands and encouraging words … his voice that I could distinguish in my sleep. Where has he been?

Now, I reflect on the journey, the pain, the challenges, and the triumphs through this song. I’m reconciled as a man, no longer a boy, in verse. Now, I know that I’m not alone.

Albert Brown, also known as “Al B Sure!” is my biological father, but Sean Combs, also known as “Diddy” has been a father figure in my life for as long as I can remember. Sean Combs is the person whom I look up to and appreciate as a father. He is the one who help mold me into the person I am today and will always try to live up to his expectations. He has always been supportive of me and I will forever love and respect him. As far as my biological father goes, the “spitting image” is all I have taken from him. Throughout my life, I’ve always wondered about him; Where he was? What was he doing? and most importantly, Was he even thinking about me? The absence of my father has given me a better understanding of what type of man I am going to be. I am grateful for my mom’s love, support, guidance, and for her strength.

To those who share my plight, know that you have a great future … a DESTINY. Take the lemons that you are handed and make lemonade. Your journey is in “A Letter To My Father.”

- Quincy “iQ” Brown

Kudos to "Diddy" for taking some type out of soning Day 26 to be a positive father and role model! To bad he couldnt've done the same thing for Danity Kane cuz Aubrey seems to be in sore need of a father figure....

I'm just sayin!

The Ghetto Cowboy Easter Egg Hunt Chronicles...part 1

2009-04-13T12:19:00.012-05:00

So, I'm going to try to recreate my Easter weekend starting with Friday...

walk with me...

I met my wife and kids, my sister-in-law, her husband and their kids at Sea World. Just to be clear this is a squad of 10.

I'm a bit perturbed because they left without me in the first place! Needless to say a vast majority of the fun that was to be had was had before my arrival... And I'm pissed off because I paid like $20 for parking (please take not of the fact that my wife and I rode in separate vehicles and double that amount) then I had to pay $56 to get into the damn place...(and yet again here we find ourselves multiplying fees...praise be to the most high that I didn't have to pay for my younger 2 because they are both under 3...so that $56 was for me and my wife and they were gracious enough to take a whopping $10 off the kids fee for my oldest son!)

And, I don't give a damn what anybody says about a damn recession...there were waaay too many people in that damn place for anybody to be talking about not having enough money to live...and trust there were people there with more kids than us!

Now, back to the fact that my family full of traders left me at work and had fun tons of fun n my absence. After I got there the only damn animal show that I saw was half of the Beluga Whales performance (...mind you I've seen that damn show 15 times in the past year...they did change up the outfits though...) and there was this squirrel that stole this little boys snack...and that was f'n hilarious...because everybody sat and watch this little boy try to chase down this squirrel with the false hope of actually getting the damn snack back!!! Why, he would even want it after it'd been in the squirrel's mouth is beyond my comprehension but hey...to each his own!

The majority of the 3 hours I spent in this place where in the hell that is known as "Shamu's Happy Harbor"

Fun for the whole pod.
Splash, climb and wade through this tropical kids' paradise! It's loaded with an array of imaginative play elements that beckon kids to explore the three-acre, tropical-themed adventure area.Centrally located in the park, Shamu's Happy Harbor features a wacky water area, a large sand box, slides, net climbs, sway bridges and a huge replica of a square-rigger complete with water cannons and more!

Anyway, all the older kids where paired and sent off to explore this evil creation, while the parents stayed on the ground with my 2 youngest. My middle child being damn near the size of the older kids(he's abnormally large) decided that he too needed to climb the net and see what all the fuse was about...with daddy's help of course!

Here's where the day really begins to take a turn for the worse: We made it to the top just fine...with him doing his on climbing and me climbing behind him as a spotter. Climbing down...completely different story! Upon turning around my son realized how high we had actually climbed and decided that climbing down was not something that he chose to partake in! He decided instead that he'd be more comfortable wrapped around my neck, securely in my lap as I maneuvered my way down the pirate's net!

I made it down 75% of the net just fine...and maybe this is where overconfidence overcame my caution that previously had me slowly crawling my way down...because with 25% left I decided I'll just stand up and walk the rest of the way! This may sound like a crazy idea but it was very feasible...it was actually most people's means of getting off of the net! The problem arose when a certain child(whom I later found out belonged to me) tripped me as I walked down the net with my 2 year old in my arms!

I tried my best to recover from this tripping but, unfortunately, my foot got stuck in the net and seeing as I was already off balanced I was doomed!

Knowing that I was going to fall in a matter of seconds I had to mentally assess my situation to decide what the best course of action would be in this situation to keep my son from actually getting harmed!

My first option was to just throw him backwards in the net figuring that he would land with a bounce. I decided that this wasn't the best course of action because there were too many other children around and I didn't want him to catch any rope burn to the face!

And, seeing as I didn't have anyone to pass him too I had to take this tumble with a mean tuck and roll so as to take all of the impact of the pavement and hopefully his only problem would be me squeezing him a bit too tight.

Well, this was a successful plan...my son walked away without a scrape on him although the fall startled him and he was a bit shaken up, but I dried his eyes and made him climb back up again so that he'd see that there's no reason to be scared...conquering fears is always a good thing!

No me on the other hand...not so much...seeing as my body to the hit i was a bit bruised up...namely my left elbow that was dripping blood! It went something like this:

The key is to picture this with a massive toddler in my arms and then you get the full effect!

But, not to worry my handy dandy wife pulled out her lil nursing first aid kit and patched me up. Although I wasn't too fond of her bandage selection...crayola crayon band aids tend to take away from the tough look of the tattooed half sleeve arm.

Needless to say...my day was done soon there after...I let the youngins play a bit more and ride some lame ride that they waited in line like 30 minutes for while I pulled the car around.

Thus concludes day 1 of The Ghetto Cowboy Easter Egg Hunt Chronicles (a.k.a. Easter Weekend) ...And, I'm gone...

Still wondering about the title...well stay tuned and it will all be made clear...

Part 2 coming soon...

like tomorrow...

maybe...no promises...

For All You Disney Lovers...

2009-04-13T10:47:00.013-05:00

...That have been looking for them to step their ethnic game up....

I got what you've been thirsting for!

Disney has a new princess movie coming to a theater near you at the end of the year!

Now, the Internet is a buzz with alot of hub bub about the fact that the first black Disney princess doesn't have a black prince! Many, ask does Disney think that the world can't handle an all black cartoon cast in a magical love story? Or is Black Love just so fictitious that not even the magical world of the Disney mind can fathom or create it? People are shouting racism in the day and age that we have our first black president!!!

Is this truly racism? Maybe so!

Do I care? Most certainly not!

My cousins and nieces have grown up wanting to be every princess from Cinderella to Belle to Sleeping Beauty to Snow White (Come On SNOW WHITE...seriously?!?....Seriously?!?)to Ariel to Jasmine (who should've been more ethnic but they hit her with the mean "Beyonce white wash")

...Jasmine was Middle Eastern after all! (She must be from the same part of the middle east that little white Baby Jesus was from!?!)

The best there is ethnicity wise is Pocahotas and Mulan ...and they don't get that much play truthful. They're like the Disney Step-Princess, and that's a shame considering that Snow White who was an actual stepchild gets more love than them! (I'm crying inside...can you hear it?)

So I'm glad that my daughter has a princess that resembles her and her family members, now! I'm glad that my nieces will have a new princess to dress like in the near future for Halloween!

And, let's be real...how many of us aren't products of interracial relationships? First person that is purely African and just walked out of an Immigrations Office raise your hand!

Anyway...I'm off my pedestal...go watch the damn movie!

Set to release on December 25th, 2009...that's right...Christmas!(that's Christmas day, right?)

If My Boys Can't Ball...I'll Probably Trade them In...

2009-04-12T11:00:00.003-05:00

Can I do that?

Well it's best for everyone involved in the matter if they turn out not to be ballers! I mean then we can match them with a family that is better suited for that type of offspring and I can go ahead and start laying the... ummm... "ground work" on a new batch on 401K's!!

All this is coming about due to the fact that here in Texas there is Spring Football...

"Football in the Spring" you state quizzically?!?

Yes, "Football in the Spring" I respond emphatically!!!!!

After all this is Texas!

I haven't been this happy since I...since I...since I...ummm...found out my son could take a hit.

My oldest son, the stereotypical mama's boy, surprised be last year during football season when he turned out to be pretty damn good!

View some footage below:

A great byproduct of having the oldest child of 3 being not only interested in sports but actually being good at them is that the younger children also tend to show interest and learn from him.

At least that's how it works in my house and it better stay that way or we'll be making some late season trades!

And my daughter better not think she's exempt either...I'm grooming her for to play for the Silver Stars!

This is serious business here...I'm trying to retire to an island where I can't speak the language...

Don't you judge me!

Racism Makes My Kids Happy...

2009-04-12T09:55:00.006-05:00

The other day I bought my daughter a stuffed animal...

No big deal right? Wrong!

I'm doing my usual "Vintage Store" (that was for you Kan.) shopping when I happened across a funny looking little monkey. Said monkey made me giggle so I thought my daughter might like it, so, I let her see it and she instantly fell in love (now if she's happy I'm happy) and seeing as she's 8 months she decided to put it straight in her mouth (a habit that I going to have to break of course, but I digress) at which point I had to take it from her because it needed to be taken home and doused with Lysol first...seeing as I'm sure that the 6 million little germ infested children that touched it before me did the same thing or dropped it on the ground and kicked it or drooled on it or wiped there nose on it some subsequent combination of the above.

Matter of fact I think it's best to dip the damn thing in some germicide...

Anyway, the problem arose as I begin to take a closer look at the damn monkey and realize that it seems to be some type of mask...and the story begins to unfold...!!!???!!! please see below...

isn't this just precious...

Wait it gets better.... this is the part that caused my concern with the toy industry and made me second guess my purchase...

That's right folks...it's a little black doll baby...now I think my daughter and nieces and little cousins should have black dolls so that they don't develop a complex and think that black isn't beautiful...butttt, this isn't exactly the direction I was going with that!!!!!

now here's where it starts to blur the lines of political correctness...
I'm not sure if I should be upset with the depiction of the little bald headed black baby as a monkey!?! Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive? Maybe I'm looking for something to gripe about and call the toy manufacturing industry racist? Maybe I should get on a platform and start some sort of petition? (that's not going to happen...I'll just blog about it!)

What do you think? I'd like to hear your opinion!

But, ultimately my daughter loves the damn monkey just like I liked to sit on the back of the bus(please don't tell Mrs.Parks I said that) when I didn't have a car...so who cares if it's racist...

End Result...racism is funny?

...no, I don't think that's the point that I was trying to make...

In the words of a Sober House Hall of Famer... "Can't We All Just Get Along?"

My proudest moment as a parent is when my boys piss standing up!!!!!

2009-04-10T11:47:00.001-05:00

As many of you know i had a problem with my wife teaching my son to piss sitting down!

And I questioned outloud on the blogsphere my feelings and allegiance towards him due to this fact...which subsequently lead to a bit of hatemail from..well, you know..a hater!

Irregardless..it has all worked out for the best...because my son has withstood his mothers attempts to guide him towards the realm of metrosexual "sit down to pee" ubiquity. I'm very proud that the influence of his older brother and I combined with his latent instinct to mark his territory has brought him into the fold.

Congrats on the vertical urination my son...now, I give you the world!!!!!

My 2 Year Old Needs a Job..

2009-04-10T11:11:00.007-05:00

Or a cage!!!!

But I'm leaning towards the job...

Because this little hooligan clearly thinks that hes grown or something...

Maybe it's that rocket fuel he's been drinking?

He's finally figured out that he can get his abnormally large frame out of the playpen that he sleeps in whenever he chooses to. And, has actually set up some toys outside of said playpen so that he can use them to also climb back in at his own leisure.

Needless to say, this fool now decides when he's going to get up and get out of bed...When he's going to watch TV...When he's going to go into the kitchen and go in the refrigerator and get something to eat...Now I'm just wondering when he's going to go out and get a job?!?

Now this may sound cute to you, but trust me when i say that being woken up at 3:24am because your toddler has been flipping through the channels in his room and can't seem to find Dora, Diego, Sponge Bob, a football game or the golf channel is not cute or humorous by any stretch of the imagination!

And, no matter how much I tell this little fool to keep his hind parts in bed...and no matter how much he says "OK Daddy!" ...it falls on deaf ears!

And I've tried everything

...putting the TV on a timer (he just gets up and turns it back on)

...playing a DVD (he knows where the play button is..and turns it back on when it goes off)

...unplugging the TV (he either keeps finding reasons to wake us up or he just plays with his thousands of toys all night)

The way i figure it he needs to either be in the club or get a job somewhere working the night shift...and once again I'm leaning towards the JOB...at least earn your keep and offset some of the cost of all the electricity, milk, snacks & diapers this fool runs through.

So, ultimately I figure its time to get rid of the crib and get him a "big boy" bed as my wife adamantly refers to it. But that will provide even less boundaries and parameters for him (at least he gets lazy sometimes now and won't get out)...maybe I'll chain him to the bed prison hospital style!

That or I'll send him to work in the coal mines!

If you can read the caption...don't you judge me...I love my kids and I'm a stickler for protection so I'll be sure to provide them with proper head wear and we'll be well on our way to knocking out some of this extraneous bills that i have waiting for me when I get home!!!!!
Able Body youngins---CHECK!

Special Mining Gloves---CHECK!

Magic Coal Mining Force field Helmet---CHECK!

Everything's a GO!!!!!

The most Official Movie Ever...

2009-03-26T13:18:00.003-05:00

This is a movie based on my favorite childhood book!!!! I read this book a million and seventeen times....

It's about a little boy that got in trouble and got sent to his room and in turn created the illest fictional story with his imagination...

He created another world that he could sail to to escape is current problems...who doesn't want one of those?

He created an empire of which he was their ruler and all his faithful subjects love and adored him...who doesn't want one of those?

He created a kingdom in which he was free to follow his heart, have extraordinary adventures, and live out his dreams...who doesn't want that?

I know I surely do!!!!!

I have no idea when this movie is coming out but please know I'll be first in line to watch it...I'll even go twice since I figure the causes of my high blood pressure (the family) will want to see it too!

P.S. I did some research and the movie will be in theatres Oct. 16, 2009...which is great because I now know what I'll be doing for my wife's birthday!

And if she plays her cards right I might take her too!

For the Little Princess that Has Everything...

2009-03-20T14:27:00.005-05:00

Except hair!!!!

That's right ladies and gentlemen...drum roll please...wigs for babies!!!!!!

If you're thinking that this is utter foolishness then you're in the sign my petition...if you think this is cute...leave my blog right now...right now!

Maybe I'll get this for my daughter Alapeshia ...she's starting to thin a bit on the sides...

I'm starting a survey for what the next ridiculous step is:

1.Baby press-on nails

2.Baby hair extensions

3.Baby liposuction

PLEASE PLACE ALL VOTES BY MIDNIGHT.....

thanks to Crunk & Disorderly for the pic!

Blame it on the Octomom...

2009-03-20T12:52:00.009-05:00

I know I said I wouldn't discuss this chick but I heard this song today and it was just too funny not to post.

Thank Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood Morning Show for this: Blame it on the Octomom & Since I'm an Eternal Jersey Boy here's a new club banger for all my Jersey, Baltimore & Chicago heads : The Octomom Dance Track .

Please enjoy and thank the Octomom for keeping life exciting and giving us hit records.

P.S. I hope that she receives some royalties off these records so that the taxpayers in Cali don't have to pay for her 14 little stem cell research babies!

Being in Bed with 2 Chicks isn't as Exciting as I Thought that It Would Be!!!!!

2009-03-06T23:31:00.003-06:00

That's right I've been sleeping with 2 females and I'm here to tell you that it's nothing like my dreams...

For the last 7 months I've been sharing my bed with my wife and...my daughter...and what you hear is true when you get in bed with two women they eventually forget all about you...

My wife only pays attention to my daughter and then has the nerve to claim to be exhausted because she has to keep getting up all night long to feed the baby (I mean seriously...how hard can that really be?) ...I don't buy it!

And, somehow my daughter, who I will admit is abnormally long and a bit overweight for a 7 month old girl (and I know that due to genetics, this is technically my fault) but they way I look at it is she's well on her way to be the next Candance Parker.

And, when that day comes I'll remind her of all the pain (And, I mean this literally...all my kids toss and turn in their sleep and have since the day they came home, so most nights I'm woken up by getting kicked in the back or slapped in the face, and that's another thing I don't like about my sleeping arrangements...females take any chance that they can get to abuse males!) she caused me and I'll expect a new Tempurpedic King sized bed...and a big house to put it in!

The last 7 months of my life have been torture and the only reason that it's over is that I gave my wife and ultimatum...I threatened to sleep in one of my boys rooms if she didn't stop letting the baby sleep in the bed with us!

I was a bit afraid that it would work (she didn't seem too perceptive to my ideas about putting the baby in the closet when she cried) and was packing my bags to go bunk summer camp style with my 8 year old. But, little did I know she actually rather have be sleep next to her than the kids...hey, you learn something new everyday!

Ultimately I'm very disappointed with the whole experience, I'll never engage in this act again (no more sleepovers for me) and I'm glad that it's over because it was rather awkward.

Word to the wise: the day you bring kids home from the hospital...put them in a closet! All that nonsense that you hear about the babies needing to bond or they'll develop social disorders and blah, blah blah...don't believe it!

The World news...Papitosway...9th Installment...

2009-03-05T13:23:00.008-06:00

Mom arrested for breastfeeding...

Preposterous you say...

Well before all you Woman's Lib Chicks start burning bras and complaining to your congressman watch this video.

What has the world come to?????

Breastfeeding while driving and talking on your cell phone?

Seriously?

Who does that?

This chick and her shenanigans are fueling my theory that people really need to have to register to reproduce!!!!!

I have nothing else to say about this...I'm speechless...I'm done...

Politics and Parenting don't mix...part 2

2009-03-04T23:15:00.019-06:00

As I stated before I don't think that one should try to mix these 2 entities...

Let me start by saying that yeah I voted for Obama, but so what, I'm still going to give you a quick Top Ten on why parents should be weary of our 44th president!

10. He's said to unite the masses...but, he turned my 7 year old son into a momentary militant during the democratic race. Some call it black pride...I call it racial tension...you be the judge!?!?!?

9. He's just a little too cool! I'd prefer for him to seem a bit more like...well...the first black president, that's on some Tupac(All Eyes on Me), that has just inherited the most powerful country in the world in the middle of a huge recession! Just too cool...I feel like he knows something that I don't...like there's a secret that he's not telling me!?!

8. The whole I'm a Mutt from a non-prototypical family and upbringing, so I can relate to people of all colors, ages and economic levels was pretty much my idea that he clearly jacked. This guy is soooo unoriginal.

7. He can hoop...Politicians are supposed to play golf and be out of shape...I don't want a president that might be able to out hoop me!

How will I face my kids?

6. He's just too damn well liked! He's a Pop Star more than he is a politician. Rappers are supposed to make songs about Jewelry, Cash, Cars, Loose women and other frivolous nonsense...not presidents . He's ruining the natural order of the world!!!!!

5.I don't care what you say...he smokes marijuana...I wouldn't be surprised if he comes out with a statement sometime in during his administration that it's for medicinal purposes! *check the darkness of the lips*

4. He and his family are a bit too fashionable. While I can respect is Fashion-Forward Daddy-O-ness ...we are in a recession and some people might not understand the need to stay fly as I do...

What's more important during these trying times? ..Gucci Suits or Grits..

I'm just saying....

3. He's jacking tracks from my homie Bob the Builders!!!!! The whole: "Yes We Can!" statement is copy written I believe...I'm going to check into this...I'll get back to you on that one!

2. He's like Denzel on a Presidential level...just too swaggerific...

1. He's too perfect as a father...I had the parenting game on lock until this guy showed up with his perfect wife and perfect kids and their perfect union in their perfect clothes!!!!! He's making me look bad...and believe it or not he's making you look bad as well!!!

Now after reading this you might call me a hater...but if that's how you feel......who cares...shut up!!!!!

And, in closing I'd like to say...GO Big O..Yes We Did!!!!!

I still hate you though...

I already got kids...so if I get a puppy I'll have all the female bait I need...

2009-03-02T11:56:00.009-06:00

I realized a long time ago that most females have a yearning to be motherly.

And due to this fact females fall in love with dudes with children (which I always thought was the strangest thing...why would you go for a guy with kid/s when everyone knows that along with the cute, probably bad azz little rugrats, comes all sort of drama) and puppies.

They like things that are cute, make sad faces and need nurturing...which also applies to dudes that freeload off of there woman as well.

I've decided that my family needs a puppy! And when I leave my wife I want to get the puppy, my car, my clothes, my laptop, all my exercise equipment and at least one of the kids in a settlement I'm good!

The puppy and my clothes being the most important!

I've been researching large dog breeds for the last 4-5 years and I think that I finally decided that I want a Great Dane! They remind me of myself: very tall, slim but muscular, calm but unmistakably a force to be reckoned with and sophisticated!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm feeling myself....so what!

Anyway, I've been checking out Great Dane puppies for the last few months and I decided to take the family with me for the first time yesterday.

BIG MISTAKE!!!!!

Everybody (this includes my wife, my 3 kids, my sister-in-law, and my 2 nieces) wanted to take a different puppy home. It was disastrous trying to get out of the guy's house...there was crying, scratching & screaming to get away from the puppies! (and that was just my wife trying to get me...I won't event tell you about the kids)

I offered my wife everything that I could come up with, short of breast feeding for her, to get her to let me take one home...I even stated that I was going to deny her sex, but it hasn't worked yet!

Maybe I don't have as much pull as I thought!

But, this ain't over till the big dog sings... so stay tuned....

The World News...Papitosway...8th Installment

2009-02-28T23:04:00.003-06:00

Who's teaching your children?

For any of you that already have school age children this question is something that I'm sure you wrestle with already...and for those that have children that have yet to reach this milestone or have yet to have children even...this is a question you should start thinking about because you will find yourself constantly wondering this as well as asking yourself and the school administration over the next decade or two!

I came across a post on another blog www.sandrarose.com rather randomly about some parents that were having problems because their kids were coming home and checking out YouTube videos and the Myspace page of their gym teacher.

The problem that the parents had is the fact that their kids' 20 something gym teacher is just that, 20 something, as well as the fact that he's an aspiring rap star.

they didn't approve of the fact that he has vulgar language, drinking and possible marijuana usage going on in his videos.

I have a few questions for these parents:

1. What did they do when they were 20? (besides be perfect little upstanding members of society that is...)

2. Why the hell are their kids on Myspace and YouTube? (my son doesn't go on those sites...so by my calculations I'm a better parent than them...right?!?)

3. What the hell does being a rapper have to do with being a good gym teacher? ( And, if they want to try the whole role model angle...I hope and pray that they aren't drinking any wine to calm down, while singing along with some oldie but goodies records that they have pumping out of the speakers...because as far as I'm concerned that's the same thing he's doing...drinking and singing...now what's wrong with that?!?)

Now before I tell you what my problem with this whole story, besides the fact that these parents are using this guy as a scapegoat for what's wrong with their children rather than accept responsibility for their offspring and their upbringing, let me state that I went to college with this guy!

And, he was a good kid...we have kicked it before and have some really good friends in common! We're actually Myspace friends as well, although, I've never listened to his music too in-depth! I hope he's not thuggin too hard on any of his records...because I know the truth!

Maybe I should make a diss track...might pub my blog in the process...stay tuned for that!

The World News...Papitosway...7th Installment

2009-02-25T14:35:00.007-06:00

I always figured if anybody would kill my girlfriend it would be my wife not my son!

I saw this story on the news and it broke my heart...seriously! this little boy was some overcome with feelings of jealousy, insecurity and rage...not to mention a big bit of crazy that he decided to take the life of his dads girlfriend.

Just to give a brief synopsis this 11 year old took a shot gun, pointed it at the back of the head of his father's sleeping, 8 months pregnant girlfriend, shot her to death, and then proceeded to go catch the bus to school.

Who outside of Hannibal Lectur, Jeffery Dahmer, or Jim Jones has this type of devalued respect for other people's lives?

What level of parental guidance, in breeding or lack thereof does it take to accomplish such a feat as to create such a maladjusted creator. Not only does this little bastard need to be tried as an adult...he needs to be caned to death...along with his father.

Ultimately, I blame the father of this little psychotic fool...

1.The dad bought this fool a shotgun for Christmas and let him have it in the house unsupervised. (Who gives their children loaded weapons to play with?)

2.He clearly wasn't providing his child with enough attention because the little boy was jealous of the girlfriend and her two daughters.

3.I suspect that there was some inbreeding taking place with this situation.

4.He left a child that clearly has some major issues unsupervised. (that fool needed a in-home nurse, anesthesiologist, a shaman 24/7.)

5.The only good thing he did was apparently instill in his son a value for education, seeing as he wouldn't let murder and the possibility of life in prison keep him from a getting that knowledge!!!!!

But, honestly I somehow can follow this potential postal mass murderer's (trust me he needs to either be put in front of a firing squad or locked in a padded room for life...otherwise, we will hear about him again...and not in a good way) logic...his father was playing Captain Save'em... giving his live in girlfriend and her kids more attention than his own child so it only made sense that once he had a son with this woman he was out of the picture! Sad, obscure & slightly demented logic, but logic none the less!

Ultimately, this is why I feel certain people aren't fit to reproduce! I'll touch on this more later.

But, for now I think I'll start an online petition: anybody that signs it gets to get on the bus with me and drive to Pittsburgh to throw the rock of your choice at this kid outside of the courthouse!!!!!

They need to lock this fool in a cell with my young "hoodrat homeboy" Latarian & the youngin that strikes fear in pit bulls hearts worldwide and let them got at it in a death match!

By the way I'm glad they're trying him as an adult...hell...they need to try him as 2 adults!!!!!

If I offended anyone with any of my comments on this very sensitive issue in my post.......

I would like to sincerely say.......

Sorry....

I don't care!

OK now you can leave your dirty messages.

10 Things all Dads Should Get From Their Wives on Valentine's Day!

2009-02-25T13:40:00.018-06:00

If you've been reading you know a few things about me:

1. I don't conform to standard expected norms....hence the Valentine's Day post so close to March!(yes, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it..I'm a rebel)

2. I'm outspoken, straightforward and/or controversial at times (I beat my kids and my wife would catch it too if I wasn't afraid of losing my Got Milk sponsorship like my boy C Breezy! Once again, don't you judge me!)

and most importantly...

3. I love Top 10 countdowns!

So without further Ado...here we go:

10.Breakfast in bed...prepared by the wife delivered by the kids...this part is very important because it could end up a catastrophe if reversed...Trust me! Grilled fruity pebbles, gummy bear & cheese sandwiches, while thoughful, is not a good look!

9. I nice happy day with the family doing fun things. (generally a sport of some nature) *please don't be concerned with a later list item that might seem to contradict this one it will all be explained.*

8. A day without having to change a diaper. (I'm tired of having to clean up feces and urine personally...I do it because I don't want to go to jail for child neglect and when kids start to smell like piss and poop in lingers and gets in your clothes...I don't really want that smell on me...) Matter of fact if, you hired someone to wipe him I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
7. Control of the remote to the BIG TV for a day, thus giving one the reign of all shows view, which will probably amount to all day viewing of sports (ESPN before game previews, flipping between actual games & Post game wrap ups/highlights) rather than anything with cartoons(unless it's Adult Swim), anything on HG TV, anything with a runway, or anything on Lifetime!!!!!

6. You have to watch the games with him...minus all the complaining, trying to flip to another unsports related channels during commercials or comments about how the athletes or their uniforms look. He will however explain the game to you so that you will be able to truly enjoy it with him!

5. A grown man's lunch that won't kill him. Mother's have the habits of preparing meals for the kids and giving the husband what they eat. (I'm tired of anything shaped like an animal or cartoon or that will come with a prize. I'm grown...at least give me an adult prize...I'm not a fan of Ben 10, Spongebob or Dora)

4. Make the kids disappear. This may seem to directly conflict with #9 but it is very vital for #'s 3-1! Get rid of them little bastards...ask your momma to watch them or an aunt or a cousin or a next door neighbor or a babysitter that takes kids overnight! The man in your life needs some personal time and 1 on 1 attention! You cannot give him that as long as their are children in the house!!!!! All kids have an extra strand of DNA that makes them enate cockblockers .(they bust through doors without asking, they wake up in the middle of the night, they're always hunger or need a diaper change or having a bad dream or sick or whatever else they can conjure up...)

3. Burn the maternity bra's and burlap sacs you call comfy cotton panties.(I don't give a damn if they're suppose to be french cut of bikini or whatever...if they are frayed at the edges, coming apart at the seems or need to be rolled over for fit they most certainly need to be disposed of...immediately!) Either dig deep into the back of your undergarment drawer and pull out something sexy or go to Frederick's of Hollywood and get something that matches and is silky and lace...preferably with straps. I've discussed this before ...and I'll keep ranting as long as it keeps happening.

2. Plan a relaxing, sexy and romantic evening for him. This means everything...I repeat...EV-ER-Y-TH-ING!!!! Don't ask him where he wants to go or what he wants to do! Don't ask him what he'd like you to wear! Maybe, you could even pick out what you think he looks sexiest in(if he's the type of guy that doesn't mind that) and shave him (with extra special attention...not Celie from Color Purple style) bathe him in a nice warm bubble bath (guys will like that, although if he's my size it may be hard to find a tube that he can actually stretch out and fit in).

The most important part is that you need to not only look sexy, you need to be the rare essence of sex appeal...from your walk to what you wear to how you smell to the way to talk to him(your tone of voice and mannerisms) and the things you say! Sexy swag should ooze from your pours and drip off your fingertips when you slide them across his cheek!
VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!

1. Give him the night of his life! Forget all the stupid gifts or whatever(unless of course you want to purchase a stripper pole, a love swing or a wedge) ...transform yourself into a new woman for the evening. Get creative...watch some videos and do your research.

HAPPY BELATED V(SPEND YOUR MONEY ON STUPID STUFFED ANIMALS, FLOWER'S AND CANDY) DAY...hope you didn't buy jewelry.

The author of this has no known or wanted affiliations with the actually "holiday" known as Valentine's Day: past, present or future. Nor does he in anyway promote, except or acknowledge said "holiday".

The World News...Papitosway...6th Installment

2009-02-25T13:40:00.016-06:00

Since I refuse to talk about the Octomom (the only woman more fertile than my wife...although she cheated) I'll instead discuss yet another reason that I feel supremely justified in beating my sons...and rarely letting them out of their cages...

I title today's news story 13 going on 30!

The young fool of the day is Alfie Patten!

Alfie's favorite past times are playing PS3 with his 15 year old Baby Mama*note: I hate this term,but due to the level of foolishness that's taking place here I will use it in reference to the 15 year old mother of his child*, getting his diaper changed while he changes his daughters, taking naps with his daughter, playing the breast feeding switch-e-roo with his daughter and baby mama and shopping for matching family outfits in baby Gap!

At least that's what I heard!

Basically this young fool who looks all of 7 (I don't believe the whole 13 thing! I give that one the side eye! I think that his parents decided it would be less horrible if they said he was a teenager and 13 was the most believable) impregnated a young girl when he was 12 and she was 14!

I would ask what's going on in Britain but I think I saw a girl in the food court at the mall this weekend that was pregnant and no older than 12 so clearly it's an epidemic.

Now for any of you fools out there that thought it was a good idea to take sex. ed. out of the school systems because it would "get the kids to thinking..." or maybe "teach them how do unspeakable acts..." I'd like you to take note of this story and many others out there like it! Not telling kids about sex doesn't keep them from having it unless you couple that with also not telling them that there's an outside world and have them trapped in the basement!

As always I blame the parents (Hey, whatever my kids do is ultimately my fault...at least until they're 18 and out of my house...and I can't wait until that day is finally here!) they clearly missed the discussion about the ills of sex and the utter lack of supervision of these horny little rabbits is 87.6% of the reason they'll have an extra mouth to feed in there home now! Trust I will be standing gaurd in my house with the rifle...I'd rather catch a body than another screaming child in my house...at least I can run from that without a guilty conscious!

Plus Alfie's mom seems way suspect!
Very Amy Winehouse at 45 if I do say so myself! Would you let the child of this woman in your house...I know I wouldn't!!!

I'm just sayin!

You have to not only explain sexual activity and the ramifications of it (I'll never forget my mom's infamous words when she gave me a huge sextionary{complete with pictures of STDs, Positions & contraceptive devices amongst other things} don't catch a baby or a disease...truer words have never been spoken) but discuss with them the pros and cons(pros-sex is fun, feels good, burns calories; cons-babies are not fun, std's are not fun, comes with too much responsibility, hotels/motels are expensive...especially during this recession) of abstinence and/or other forms of birth control. Talk to them about your religious beliefs and how your GOD feels about them having premarital teenage sex.

My mom did this and look at how great I turned out...I didn't have my first kid until I was 16! I'm a Role Model!

I Joke..I Joke...I Kid...I Kid...!!!!!

*Late Breaking news...there have been reports that apparently it was known that Alfie was sharing a bed with his girlfriend as an overnight guest on several occasions...but here's the kicker...there were also others ...at least eight other boys are saying that they might be as well!!!!!

Publicity stunt or what?

I think so...there aren't 8 teenage boys in the world willing to claim there children now we got that many trying to claim 1 little girl?

Seems suspect...

Let's see how the story unfolds...

Papitosway to the movies....Part 4

2009-02-25T13:28:00.012-06:00

OK....I know it's been a while and most of you thought I was dead but, let's not dwell on the past!

I've been working ridiculously hard and I'm taking classes at night so get off my back...

I hope to rectify this situation and make amends with my family and my readers so over the next few post I'll try to recap a few things( so if you get a Valentine's Day post in March...just suck it up and read the damn thing...it'll be entertaining and informative to say the least)

And, seeing that I've been so busy I've also been lacking in a few other departments in my life. One being going out to the movies...now keep in mind that it's been a while but the last movie I saw was:

NOTORIOUS

OK, now I'm sure most of you are saying 1 of 2 things:

1. That movie came out like a year ago! (first off stop exaggerating. second don't you judge me)

and/or

2. That's not a family movie!

I beg to differ...let me explain...

This man dedicated his first album to all the people that lived in the buildings he used to hustle in front of that called the police on him when he was just tryna make some money to feed his daughter... as far as I'm concerned it doesn't get more family oriented than that!

I loved this movie, if for no other reason than the fact that I'm a true East Coast kid, a Jersey boy and it took me back to my younger years and made me get all nostalgic and whatnot, but mostly because as far as I'm concerned this is the classic American story. The real one...that "they" don't want to share! But, it's a story that most of us know very well:

Growing up in a single parent home!

That's how it was for a good portion of my friends and family for some reason or other. All of our parents had to work long hours or more than one job to keep us feed and clothed and in a house with lights and heat. And, because they weren't home we ran the streets and got into trouble sometime.

The movie touches on capitalism, pop culture and sex and how they all play a major role in raising the youth of America. What? You didn't get all that when you watched it? Well try to go catch it again...it might be at the dollar movie now. If not...it'll be on DVD soon enough...go cop it or you can come over to my house and watch it...maybe if I have some company my wife will finally cook something! (don't tell her I said that)

Here's another great line from "Sky's the Limit" that just proves my point further:

...Put money in my moms hand...get my daughter this college plan...so she don't need no man...

And for your viewing pleasure:

I'm going to go back to a rating system I started in late 08 and give this movie:

4.5 shaken babies out of 5

Because I didn't like 2Pac, felt it was missing a few vital characters and I don't want my kids learning to dance from Puffy!

I hate to ruin the movie for you but the good guy dies in the end...sorry...Yeah...I know...it blew me too!

The World News...Papitosway...5th Installment...

2009-01-06T22:52:00.004-06:00

In the funniest thing I heard since my boy Latarian put in work for "young thug of the year"...a 6 year old boy in Wicomico Church, VA (yeah you read that right) stole his family car at about 7:30 am on Jan. 6th for a worthy cause.......he missed the bus...

That's right...so that makes it a lot less Latarian like...it was for a good cause! And this young fool was real serious about getting to school! He drove about 6 miles and when he crashed his determination told him to get out and walk the rest of the way to school!

He didn't want to miss breakfast and PE... hey breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

His parents are being charged with child endangerment...matter fact his mom is being held without bond and his dad got out on a $5,000 bond ! I'm not exactly sure about this one but hey what do I know. All I'm saying is we keep the keys to both our cars in a place where our son could reach if he stands up on his toes, so, if he really wanted to hit us with the quick gone in 60 seconds while we were in the bed sleep we'd be none the wiser!

Although, my son knows better than to pull some crap like this...I'd beat him until he couldn't stand up or sit down! or I'd take him to the car wash and turn the hose on him!

Ultimately, I can't fault the little dude for wanting to get his ~~free meal and some yard time~~ education!

The World News...Papitosway...4th installment...

2009-01-06T22:32:00.006-06:00

A 4 year old boy in Jackson, Ohio decided got pissed off because his babysitter stepped on his foot and decided to handle it the way his ~~lack of a~~ daddy taught him!

That's right faithful readers...he went and got a shotgun and took it to him!!!!!

Go figure this happened in a trailer park!?!?!

And, why the hell was the gun just chilling in the closet in the reach of a four year old? I keep telling folks tat people need to register to have children....maybe I'm talking to the wrong people!?! I need to march on Washington and take my petition to congress.

Who's wit me?

I really don't even know what to say about this incident...outside of this little fools parents should be sterilized and so should he...their lineage needs to stop right here!!!!!

And, I wonder how much the 18 year old was paid to babysit this future death row hall of famer? I bet if he was red cross certified he could round up some less life threatening clientele...

Moral of the story: Don't babysit trailer park children without a bulletproof vest!

Now that's conflict resolution for you...he must of had on the fresh Jordans!!!!!

The World News...Papitosway...3rd Installment...

2009-01-06T11:00:00.006-06:00

Boy attacks Pitbull!!!!!

No...you read that exactly right...some little monster child attacked an innocent pitbull...

Well, that' not exactly what happened...maybe I'm just biased towards pitbulls (they are actually great family pets when bought from a reputable breeder and raised/trained properly)

First, let me say that this was a very brave act and that that little boy, his parents and his jui-jitsu instructor should all be very proud. But, the one question on my mind is how long will it be before this ticking time bomb unleashes his wrath on the first classmate? What, if some bully pushes his little girlfriend off the monkey bars? It's a wrap that's what...that little boy is catching a triangle or a crossbar and he's donesville!!!!!

Mind you I'd love it if one of my boys was running the streets playing superhero rescuing defenseless women and pets, and my boys choke each other out all the time so I figure it's only a matter of time before they take their act on the road and the neighbors call complaining...

Just a warning to all the inhabitants of Bakersfield,CA...lock up your pets and and small children that might have a tendency to bully little girls or small animals cuz there's a vigilante(that amazingly resembles Forrest Gump) on the loose by the name of Drew Heredia!

Parent's step your children's Rear Naked Chokehold game up...you never know when they may run into a depressed Doberman Pinscher or a rabbit pre-teen...I'm just saying...

Have you ever had a Golden Shower?

2009-01-06T09:12:00.005-06:00

If you said yes either you have a son, you babysit a boy or you're 12 and kick it with R.Kelly. (sorry to reopen old wounds)

This is a couple of days late but so what...I decided to switch my normal top 10 around a bit and in honor of the new year do a countdown.

These are the 10 things that "they" never told you about having a baby:

You will get peed on at least 10 times and if you have a son..you better keep you mouth closed!

Your child's belly button will fall off 9 days after you bring them home! (it's actually the remains of the umbilical cord but you have to clean it and its disgusting nonetheless.)

Your newborn will come equipped with 8 holes in their head! (the eye sockets, the nostrils, the ears, the mouth and here's the kicker...they have a hole in the top of of the head because their skulls aren't completely formed! So pray that your child has alot of hair or you'll see it when they eat and drink!)

Your child can quite possibly bring about the need for 7 stitches! (I'll let you figure this one out)

Your baby is going to sleep in your bed for at least 6 months (at least that's when my wife will allow me to lock them in the closet...my oldest was in the bed until 1...damn shame) so the crib and bassinet are just for storage of baby accessories. It's a hard habit to break!!!!!

You no longer have privacy, as your child will come and go as s/he sees fit, thus, they will walk in on you late at night at "the wrong time" least 5 times by the age of 7! (I suggest you lock your door or at least stay under the covers.)

You will want to physically shake, smother, restrain or gag your child a minimum of 4 times a day! (don't worry the feeling is normal and most often will pass...)

Your child will repeat every bad word that they hear you say at the most inopportune moment, at least 3 times !

You will probably get about 2 hours of sleep the first day you bring the baby home! ( so stay in the hospital as long as possible and ring the alarm for the nurse to take your baby back to the nursery)

Your infant will roll off of your bed and fall on the floor at least 1 time! (probably more...some folks learn the hard way...and don't think that pillow will hold them forever!!!!!)

And remember that your life will never be the same...most honest people will tell you that he's worse(no free time, not as much fun, your body went south, you can't go out anymore, etc. etc.) but, truthfully you can make it better than it ever was...change your mind frame and enjoy the life that you have...there's nothing like watching a life grow!!!!!

Oh and here's a quick honorable mention for my homie L.J.(you know who you are): The placenta comes out not too long after the baby...not in the pool while your swimming...and yes it has to come out!

Is 7 to early to medicate a child for Dissociative Identity Disorder?

2009-01-05T10:02:00.010-06:00

How about a 2 year old with behavioral disorders?

Because apparently ~~beating~~ my form of self medication isn't necessarily working...

I need a new age approach for his particular brand of disorder , something a bit stronger than a Dr.Phil but less sense-deadening that Ritalin(although I'm not completely adverse to this option)!!!!! Anybody got the answer? I'm open to all suggestions...

Trust me these fools(I'm referring to the kids...I won't even start in on my wife...not that there's anything at all wrong with her...not anything at all!) in my house might have some mental issues so I started doing the research, and it's not looking to good for the home team!!!!!

I've had an itching suspension that there was some sort of mental ailment effecting my oldest child for some time now! After witnessing his behavior during this holiday season (which began Thanksgiving and will culminate this weekend with his birthday party) I realized that I will be forced to drug or slaughter my child if this behavior carries on any further! So, I went to my best friend...the Internet. (If my wife ask tell her that I said she was my best friend or I'll get in trouble)

My research brought me to Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. He has all the signs as far as I'm concerned. For instance:

"amnesia" He quite often forgets that he has chores and responsibilities such as dishes, trash and keeping his room and bathroom clean! When I come home and ask why any 1 or a combination of these things aren't done I quite often get the classic responds of "OH, I FORGOT!!!!!"

"distortion or loss of subjective time" This one is somewhat related to the amnesia due to the fact that when I come home & his chores should already be taken care of it seems that either they aren't done or he's actually doing them because he loss track of time! This also effects me greatly when trying to get out of the house in the morning seeing as I have to drop him off at school before I go to work!

"headaches & other body pains" These symptoms are either directly correlated to the above symptoms and are brought on my the severe ~~beatings~~ reinforcement of the rules and regulations of the house or they are are what I like to call responsibility onset symptoms that only arise when told to do chores!

"multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs that are dissimilar to each other" This is the one that I've been aware of for the last 5 -6 years!(well, it was actually rather easy to diagnose seeing as he told me at about 2 1/2 that he was "daddy's big boy and mommy's baby!") But, every year it becomes more prevalent he acts like two completely different children depending on if my wife is around(as of late this has expanded to all grandparents, aunts and uncles). He's an upstanding, smart, athletic, respectable child in with me. With my wife...well, not so much! He's nothing short of the spawn!!!!!

He actually threw a mini tantrum yesterday in Chuck E. Cheese(I hate that place) because at the end when all the kids got their 2 prizes he swore that his 2 cousins got 3 as opposed to his 2! The kicker is he couldn't tell us what the extra prize was if his life depended on it, but he was pissed off nonetheless!?!? Go figure??!!??

I also need some assistance with the younger one as well, I think he suffers from a mixture of ADHD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder x Borderline Personality Disorder .

his symptoms include: a grandiose sense of self-importance, delusional sense of entitlement, lacks empathy(somewhat, he'll hit you with a bat but then look sad and kiss your baa-boo) , interpersonally exploitative(we are all mere toys/props/ or food& beverage dispensers), he's very much indulged in the fantasy of ultimate power in our home, requires excessive attention, he's rather impulsive, and as far as I'm concerned a high level of hyperactivity.

Sure you may be thinking that all 2 year old and most toddlers possess this characteristics but I still think some form of medication in heavy dosages is in fact in store!

And, since I'm close to the border and I got some associates in Border Patrol and Customs I'm headed to Tijuana to get the proper medication...I'll be gone till November...please forward my calls...

Resolution 09: BEAT MORE KIDS!!!!!

2009-01-02T17:10:00.002-06:00

Actually, I planned to be more understanding of those around me...family, friends & employees!!!!!

I want to be a better father and husband as well as being more supportive of my family & friends and their endeavors!

I want to work towards leaving my mark on my community as well as leaving a legacy and something behind for my kids!

I plan to be a better coach and mentor to my teams!

And, I'm sure that in the process...I'll BEAT MORE KIDS!!!!!

Beware of the Holiday Refugees...

2008-12-31T15:52:00.005-06:00

My home has been overrun by Yule tide refugees...or terrorist (tomato/tomato) as I affectionately refer to them as!!!!!

For the past week I've had about 13 people in my home...most being under the age of 12... I finally cleared out the place this morning when I dropped the last of them off at the airport and sped away! (I almost got a ticket, but the cop couldn't catch me cuz I sped off so fast!)

I decided that since I'm in a new town and the holidays are a bit off-kilter due to some family situations over the last year I'd invite my mom, my aunt, my cousin and her family out to spend Christmas with us! I actually invited more people but some family and friends were unable to make the trip. I'll let you know if this was a good idea after I do my collateral damage report this weekend!

First let me say that this trip was bittersweet, it brought make memoirs of my childhood watching my kids run around with their cousins and get into all types of mayhem. On the flip side of the coin, however, I've never had to beat so many kids and threaten so many lives for this many consecutive days in my life! Quite frankly I'm exhausted! (on an average I gave out a minimum of 3 beatings a day, and truthfully that's a gross understatement)

I quite often talk about my son and his lack of sneakability and creeptitude but, I've witness this on a much grander scale throughout this holiday. Let's just say that if these kids want to ever go into a family business it would behoove them to make sure that it's not a criminal endeavor...cuz they all suck at that. They all do things against their better judgement because someone else gassed them up to do it and then every last one of them (even the 1 that can't talk) snitches on the others when faced with adversity(a.k.a. the threat of bodily harm). (the phrases: "pressure bust pipes" & "there's no honor amongst thieves", comes to mind when I think of these fools)

But, it was heartwarming and rather entertaining to have an over abundance of children running around like wild animals. Even if I considered ~~twisting the necks~~ leaving a few of them bound and gaged!

Stay tuned for part 2 of a 3-5 part series of my holiday escapades (mind you this could take the rest of the month to fully unfurl...I've blocked out some of the more traumatic memories!)

My Family is Perfect...we're so much better than yours!!!!!

2008-12-14T23:31:00.004-06:00

No seriously

...we're better than the Jetson's...

...better than the Brady Bunch...

...Dare I say...yes I dare we are better than the Cosby's!!!!! (And, my sweater game is Ultra Proper...)

We're the greatest group to come out since The Roots! We're like CRS x the Beatles x The Jackson 5 (I'm Joe) Oh the Hate Mail is going to come rolling in now!

We're this good:

But, no seriously...any of you out there that know my family and look up to us and think that we are damn near perfect or at least the model after which you should fashion your life...think again! We are very, very far from perfect...we are much closer to all out anarchy and utter destruction than we we are to sanity and peace...I'd leave tonight while everyone is sleep and cross the border to May-He-Co if the Mrs. didn't have my social security number memorized as well as the contact for my next of kin!

My take on family life is that there isn't any such thing as a "normal" and/or "perfect" family...all family's have their share of sucky moments, hardships, fights, trials and tribulations or maybe even a social worker or two. What's right for my family might be totally wrong for the next man's! Hell, what's right for my family may very well be me chopping up sleeping pills and mixing it into their food while simultaneously putting NyQuil in their koolaid!!!

What we have here is finely tuned, slightly controlled(the Mrs. & I are at about 23% collectively) chaos! mind you, we are slowly regaining control of our home but it is an arduous process. Especially since the baby still sleeps in our bed(and manages to take up more space the both of us combined..we get 1/3 of the bed to share between the 2 of us) and the other 2 wake up in the morning and come in, snatch the remote and tell us to move over!

Ultimately, if you want my advice I'd be glad to give it to you because I'm quite possibly the most opinionated person you'll meet, but right after I give it to you I'll give you the most important tidbit of info that anyone could ever truly give...don't listen to me...I'm no expert...what do I know!

Yeah, I know it sounds a bit confusing...but what works for me might very well amount to the utter destruction of your family and I don't want that put on me!

There are however people that you could pay for such advice...don't get me wrong I'll take your money to if you want to pay to hear me tell you how to beat your kids...I'm just sayin...

Papitosway to the Movies...part 3

2008-12-14T22:59:00.004-06:00

So I just watched Step Brothers!

First, let me say: Don't be fooled, this movie is not family friendly!!!!!

Second, let me say that you if you're at work right now that you should leave, if you're with your kids...give them a bottle of NyQuil, Hennessey and 1% milk, and lock their doors, then go to buy this movie!

Will Ferrel did it again with this one! If you're a fan you much watch this movie immediately...if you aren't a fan...well...then...you're just stupid!

The boy is based around my worst fear...that one or more of my children are "late bloomers" and don't get the hell out of my house when the big 18 strikes! Now, I completely understand that having a child is a lifetime commitment and that they will always need some form of assistance or guidance (because I'll always know more than them) but at 18 they're theoretically on their own! Call it tough love but their all getting the boot at 18.

I think that my wife is going to let my oldest stay in his bunk bed to at least 33... I'm just sayin.

The movie shows that bullying is alive and prevalent on the playground, and difficult to combat let alone subside...even when your 40! So, now I don't feel so bad that I send my son back out to the playground to fight. I don't wan this to be him:

This is my new favorite song!

My goal as a father is to make sure that my children are upstanding citizens in society but more importantly that they always look out for one another and stay close (hey they may be criminal masterminds...I just hope that they turn it into a family business) and that they don't end up like this some day:

Crackhead Logic & Fat Ninja's...

2008-12-14T22:46:00.007-06:00

This is the best way that I could describe my son's combination of common sense and "deceptability"!!!!!

Basically on any given day he possesses about 10% of one and o.2% of the other...they are more or less interchangeable. And the fact that he ranks very low in these arenas coupled with his poor decision making skills leads us to an occasional altercation or 20!

The current dilemma that my wife and I are faced with being that he decided to cut the fool in school and not tell us!

"Why" you ask?

Where the answer to this question is multifaceted, consisting of many independent parts that somehow still seem to be intertwined. First, I just opened my new facility and I've been spending at least 12 hours a day at work! Thus I have left his disciplining up to the Mrs. Secondly, my wife has been assisting family members with several different activities causing him to be out of his normal routine of come home, eat snack, do homework, do chores, play with siblings, possible extracurricular sport(football, boxing, basketball), shower, dinner, wash dishes, bedtime...yes it is an exact science that when extra elements are added or removed tends to explode in our face! Thirdly, I was trying to not be the overbearing, terrorist that I've been because I don't enjoy the fear that Daddy's coming home invokes (I like to play and beating kids isn't always fun...just most of the time.)

Sure there are other underlying factors but these are the main ingredients that lead to my son's horrible weekend!

So, to make a long story a bit shorter...this little fool decided that, since the previous week no one checked his behavior folder and we just toke him for his word (hoping that he'd be honest) when asked how his day was in school and accepted the response "GOOD!", that last week when he got in trouble in school and didn't get the appropriate behavior grade (the grading system is as follows E=Excellent, S=Satisfactory, U=Unsatisfactory, N=...well I don't know what N equals, so, let's go with Nuclear Ass Whoopin, because that's what it amounts to) he would just be sneaky and not say anything (which makes him possibly a good candidate for the military with the whole don't ask/don't tell policy...I'm not quite sure that this is what they were referring to...but whatever) and stick with his answer from the previous week of "GOOD!"

We tell our son to always strive to do his best and that we always expect the best that he has to offer in all endeavors, but we let him know that we understand that no one is perfect and people make mistakes. To drive this point home we let him know that we are leaving a margin of error and expect him to get more E's a week than other wise. (for any math majors that's at least 3 E's out of 5 days) Well, by the time that I had him figured out it was Thursday and his week looked like this: Mon.-S, Tues.-E(he got an unrelated impromptu beating Mon. night for being bratty, whiny and just generally getting on his mother's nerves), Wed.-U, Thurs.-U! Needless to say I threatened his life, had and in depth Cosby-esque family forum in which we discussed possible solutions. His, being a month of punishment rather than my favorite belt! I told him a month of punishment would pretty much ruin his life seeing as this meant no Christmas or B-Day gifts celebrations or sports! He quickly saw my point!

I am forced to constantly tell my son that he is in the running to become the worst criminal of all time...in the world...he sucks at being sneaky! His 4 month old sister can tell when he's lying! He starts to sweat and gets the shakes, when asked a direct question he stutters and looks up and to the left...He's suspect...he's a horrible liar(which is a god thing for me as his parent but horrible for him because he doesn't realize how bad he is at this and keeps trying.)

There are people who are genetically predisposed to being good at these sort of activities(lying and being sneaky)...he is most certainly and unequivocally without a doubt not 1 of them...he doesn't even try to perfect the skill...

His logic was that since we didn't check his behavior folder for the better part of a week and went on his word that we would either never check it again for the remainder of the year or if we did check we wouldn't ever look back to the week in question!(I suppose that we would always open the book and flip directly to the current date without even trying) Now, I don't know if you want to call this 7 year old logic or Crackhead Logic but in my book they are one in the same!

We also explained to him that him acting up sucks because it's as if the whole family is being punished...we very well can't leave him home alone and go have fun without him, thus we were in weekend lock down! Amazingly, we found a overnight babysitter for the 3 heathens in my home!(shout out to my sister times 2) We informed our son that even though he was going to his auntie's house he was still on punishment and not allowed to play with the other kids, watch TV, play video games or see the light of day!

He clearly thought that we were joking because the next day when we went to pick him up his bike was outside and when we walked into the house he was in a room watching TV and playing with his cousin. He & his cousin then proceeded to "take the dog for a walk" and were gone for an hour! And, was found on the playground with the dog tied to a pole!

I kept my mouth shut and let him pile up the offenses knowing full well that I was going straight to my favorite belt when I got home! I did however give him a chance to try to explain himself.

When asked why he went outside to play and ride his bike knowing that he was on punishment?

He responded: "Because I just wanted to!"

And, when asked if he thought that we would find out?

He said: "NO!"

So I took the liberty to inform him that 1. he left his bike out in the driveway. 2. He was "walking he dog" so that she could poop for over and hour and when his aunt went looking for him and found him he still didn't come home...

why...

"Because, he didn't think she would tell me when she got home!"

Yet, another case of Crackhead Logic!!!!!

And, this also proves my point that he is the least sneaky individual none to man...if you're going to ride your bike against all better judgement and forewarning at least put the damn thing back when you done...if you're going to go on the word of your cousin to sneak off to the park under the false pretense that you're "walking the dog" thinking that it takes a long time to walk the dog sometime?!?! Then wear a damn watch! Very unsneaky and Very Fat Ninja-ish!!!!!

I'll keep trying to bang him in the head with the fact that he's a good little boy and that he needs to put more effort into that than he does in trying to hustle me! But, until he figures it out on his own I'll be right behind him with a belt...helping guide him with a belt!

Enjoy the escapades of the ultimate fat ninja!!!!!

You might want to go to the 2:09 minute mark:

Rap Music is Full of Evil Spirits...

2008-12-13T07:28:00.003-06:00

Hey, I agree with Kanye ...No Rap Music in Mi Casa!

Look what it did to this little girl!

Please take note of the brief exorcism at the end...or was that a Jimi Hendrix ending?

Ice Cube once said: " If I'm more of an influence on your child as a rapper than you are as a father, then the problem is your parenting!" (or something like that) And I agree with he...if anyone's going to teach my kids to curse and jump around and act foolish...it's going to be me!

I'd have it no other way!

So I'm on my way to find this little girl to finish her exorcism, but before I leave I'm going to stomp on all my Gangsta Rap CD's!

Gun Safety PSA...

2008-12-10T17:00:00.005-06:00

If your homes are anything like mine, sports are the main thing viewed on your TV!

And due to the recent tragedy that is Plaxico Burress' life I've had to talk to my son about guns and there proper usage and care, as well as how a responsible "ADULT" handles them!

Mind you my son is no stranger to guns ...because I find it important for children to understand the difference between toys and the real thing, so that they don't ever get the two confused!

That can end up in tragedy!

If you're having difficulty approaching the gun safety issue with your kids feel free to use this PSA:

(if the screen is black just click on it to view the video)

Funny Videos Funny Cartoons More Video Clips

Have a great day...and kids...if you see a gun...just stay away from that M____F____er!!!!!

The Worldnews...Papitosway...2nd Installment...

2008-12-08T11:54:00.010-06:00

In national news of the week... a 3 year old boy, Jaylynn Thorpe, wandered off in Halifax County, VA from his babysitter with his 2 puppies and wasn't found for 21 hours!!!

First off this babysitter needs to be placed in the stockade,

tarred and feather (do people still do this sort of thing?)

and then fired!!!!!

(disclaimer: I do not know these guys...thanks for the pics random dudes!)

Anyway, this child clearly needs one of those little animal backpacks that are really just leashes in disguise

...or an invisible fence dog collar that shocks his little azz every time he leaves the yard.

Luckily, he had his 2 puppies with him...

And, these little heroes cuddled up with him throughout the 17 degree night and kept him alive!

Honey, If your reading this...THIS is why we need a dog! What if I'm not watching the kids one day and they wander off?

There's still time before Christmas... I'm just sayin!

Well, after 21 hours and a search party of millions...well more like 300, but whatever! They found this little fool by a damn tree bundled up with the puppies...No Comment...actually I retract that last statement...Comment: If this were of my children I would ~~take my wife on a date~~ send out the search party and once they were found I would give them a bath, some soup, hot tea(celestial seasonings), nice warm pajamas (terry cloth) and a robe and then beat the living daylights out of them...just to make sure it doesn't ever happen again!

But, then of course CPS will looking for me for child abuse as well as child neglect, possible abandonment and perhaps reckless endangerment (I'm not sure...let me check the Texas lawbooks) So, if this situation ever arises...I'll will continue posting blogs from remote locations...

NOMAD status...the government can't keep me from beating kids...

And this is my P.P.S.A. (Parent Public Service Announcement) for the day: All parents beware! If you see this child:

at the park, playground, mall play place or any subsequent location or these adults with a child...please keep your children away...DO NOT ALLOW CONTACT (as this child has a high propensity to wander off long distances for days at a time...and his adult supervision is minimal at best) !!!!

I have 9 kids, by 9 women & no job...And the State of GA wants to INCREASE my child support payments?????

2008-12-03T07:50:00.005-06:00

It's an old-fashioned guessing game folks!

Just by reading the title can you guess who the unfortunate, highly potent, baby making machine is?????

Think really hard...

If you guessed: Travis Henry formerly of the Denver Broncos, then you're absolutely right. I believe that he is shopping around his book idea to publishers as we speak: "How to Spread Your Seed and Ruin Your Retirement Fund!" I thought that my family going to 1 income and having 3 kids was a bit much, but this Multi-Millionaire had to borrow money form his former team(Tennessee Titans) to pay off back Child Support to avoid being on a Chain Gang rather than a football team!

His children are spread throughout 4 states. (North Carolina,Tennessee, Georgia & Florida) And, now that he has been released from the Broncos his bank account is swiftly evaporating! Thus, it's impossible for him to maintain his lavish lifestyle as well as child support. He's probably going really hard on the ramen noodles right about now!

My gripe for today is with all the so-called fathers out there that are 1. making more children than they can afford &/or 2. being an absentee father, a fair-weather father or just a bad parent in general!

There's no earthly way possible that you can father 9 children by 9 women in 4 states and actually be a positive factor in there lives...not to mention the fact that he doesn't even live in the same state as any of the rugrats!

See here he is with 7 of them...where are the other 2? I'm not sure how the dude in the top left corner relates to this situation...maybe he is their official bus driver! (all those hooligans aren't fitting into 1 regulare sized vehicle!)

The only solution to such a situation would be to become a Mormon, move to Utah (or wherever it is that they live) cop you a nice little acre or 5, build a mean little ranch and have 9 wives. Mind you taking this route would most like quadruple your blood pressure, migraine frequency as well as the likeliness that you ultimately have a stroke or heart attack! But, at least you'll see your kids everyday until you die at the tender old age of 37!

Men (I use this term rather loosely), if you're not taken care of your children...I want you to know that I abhor you! (Please flood my comment box with all your hate, excuses and crybaby antics complaining about the mother of your child...so, that I can post them and respond!) Be a man and handle your business, please! Children are a blessing from GOD and if you don't appreciate your blessings, they will be taken from you! Don't be that guy who does absolutely nothing for 19 years and then trys to be on stage next to your son when he ends up being a top draft pick and is about to sign a contract worth 50 million! ( I hope that he buys a prison and puts you in it) Your son's need you to teach them how to be men and your daughter's need you so they no what a man is. So, hopefully they won't end up picking a fool like their mother's did!

Women don't think that you are getting off the hook and that this is strictly a man bashing session. You need to 1. pick a better example and specimen of a man to procreate with.(if the dude is lazy and dumb as a bag of pebbles but is cute...well...the apple tends not to fall too far from the tree) I'm sure that there were signs of the level of ignorance that your "relationship" would eventually reach. And 2. if it doesn't work out between you and the father...please...please let him still be a father! Hold him responsible, don't make it difficult! Don't be that chick that says you didn't give me any money so you can't see your child! If, he's a good father let him be a good father ( now if he's a horrible father...then by all means tell your kids that there daddy was Pat Tillman, and he really loved them everything he did ..he did it so that they'd be proud to say that he's there father!)

The most important thing is the children right? Right?

This further proves my point that people should have to register to procreate....

Well I'll get off of my high horse and find new things to be angry about later! And, trust me folks I understand that making children tends to be a fun pasttime....but raising them...well, not so much!

But I think that I'll throw my vote in for Travis Henry as NFL father of the year...he slightly edged out Andy Reid!!!

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll: The School Age Edition!!!!!

2008-12-02T21:49:00.005-06:00

The best way to explain Drugs, Sex and STDs to kids is to...let their friends do it...RIGHT?????
Well how else are the youth of America to learn anything?

What? You don't actually expect me to teach my children about drugs and sex and whatnot!

Do you?

I learned all my useful information from my peer group growing up...well actually everything that got me into some sort of trouble or very dangerous situation was done at the behest of a friend!

My mom chose to approach these matters with the scare tactic: as far as sex she gave me a huge book that had in-depth color 5x7's of every Venereal Disease that you could name, plus a few that you would never think existed. It also gave me my introduction to sexual positions(there was a whole chapter on them as a matter of fact.) which totally ruined the overall reason that my mother gave it to me, because, all I did was sit around with my friends and giggle! ( I think that one of them stole that book for me...I'm still looking for it.)

And, as far as drugs go let's just say that my mom thinks anybody who uses any type of drug is a loser and degenerate, so, I couldn't tell her about any of my friends that smoked or drank.

I think that I'll take a slightly different approach! Whereas I will talk to my boys about groupies that will attempt to get pregnant to stick to them (my daughter isn't allowed to look at the opposite gender until she has at least a Master's degree or is in the WNBA) just as my mom did! But, I think that I'll sit with my kids and create an open forum and line of communication about sex, drugs and drinking. I hope that me explaining the negatives as well as the positives of partaking in these activities will provide them with enough information for them to make the right decision.

I've been watching Sex with Mom & Dad on MTV:

And, seeing as I'm not ashamed of any of my actions in life...even the questionable ones I'll try to take a note out of Dr.Drew's book and get some dialogue jumping off!

Ultimately they have to be the ones to make the decisions...I can't do it for them (this is something that I'm learning with time...unfortunately and unbeknownst to me I can't control my kids like puppets...hell it didn't even work for Gepeto!)

I hope that my kids have the motivation, courage and strength to stay away from liquor and drugs! I hope that the fact that they won't see this type of activity at home will help them out (although a big reason that I've never drank, smoked or experimented with any drugs is because my family has a history of substance dependency...so will this result in the opposite reaction? )

And, as far as sex goes...I hope that they wrap up and don't do too much (except my daughter...yes I'm a firm believer in double standards...so what!!!!!) My motto is don't catch a disease or a baby!

And, as a learning tool I'll use this video...sort of School House Rock-esque!

If you have any ideas, chastity belts or special voodoo potions that will cause erectile dysfunction please forward the information!!!!!

I recieved my first piece of Hate Mail today...

2008-11-30T21:49:00.003-06:00

I must be doing something right!!!!!

I'm so excited!!!!!

To read the post that sparked the controversy read here.
Here it is folks:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Should I Love My Son If He's Gay?":

What a moron!

As if the sexuality of a person would be so easily transformed simply by the way one is trained to piss or release whatever that is.Wake up! you have a child, that alone is a blessing...if he is gay it just means he is a minority not a deformity, that should be one more reason for you to love and support him even more, as if its not enough the rest of the world to try to put him down (world's ignorant people), I know someone who found out both of his sons were gay, he talked with them, found out what they loved to do and took them both to the best school, one in fashion design and the other in hair and make up, these boys succeeded and grew wealthy quickly, unfortunately they both died very young. Wake up, kids are not pillows that you stick in a drawer if you don't like them, you brought a soul to this world. Love it not and be ready to carry the karma for ever! read more and be grateful for your child, sometimes these turn out to be the best children anyone could ask for, gays have many talents, find out which one is your child's and support it you my be surprised how wonderful and special these kids are. How sad!

Posted by Anonymous to Papito's Way at Sunday, November 30, 2008 8:32:00 PM

Now let me respond to this rather briefly in a Lebron-esque manner...You're stupid, and that's all I have to say about that!

Either you didn't get the joke or the point that I'm just here to poke fun at my life and give whomever chooses to read a slight chuckle and let other parents know that they aren't alone in their peculiar thoughts...or you clearly haven't read all of my post!!!!!

Or any other simple minded combination of the 2...I'm going to ride with my kids, hit or miss, pass or fail, gay or straight, rich or poor!

I just pray everyday to GOD that they are the smartest, straightest, richest people in the world, thus proving not only that I'm the best dad in the world but I'm better than you!!!!!

And, if you don't like it...call social services and come take'em...I could use the vacay!

Happy Holidays

P.S.

If you really want to hate me Mr/s. Anonymous read here!

Obama might not be the best look for the kids...

2008-11-27T21:57:00.010-06:00

Whoa, whoa, whoa...now all of ya'll that started to judge me off the title, fall back...grow up...and read the rest...loser!

I came across this snippet of a Maury show...you know he's always good for a strong batch of ignorance...and it brought me back to some concerns I've had in the back of my mind about how the Black community in America especially the youth will outwardly express their overwhelming joy for having a Black President.

I am fully aware of the greatness that has been bestowed upon our country and I'm sure that most open minded forward thinking Americans are as well, the problem is how are they going to show their appreciation for the huge step forward that the greatest nation on earth is about to take. Obama has united us as Americans, bringing us closer to Dr.King's dream. But, the way we voice our joy may begin to separate the masses!!!!!

For instance, Barrack has made Americans, especially Young Americans, feel like this:

There are still other Americans that chose to express their happiness like this:

Whereas the first song/video is welcoming and inclusive towards a vast array of human beings the second might bring about an adverse reaction! Mind you I listen to both but my kids sure as hell won't (do as I say...not as I do!) I'm just worried that instead of our youth looking to our new president as a motivational entity they'll look towards him more as a sign of reparations to come! (If that upset you I don't care)

I don't want my kids to ever say " Obama's the president so now I can do whatever the hell I want to!"...like this young fool:

And, just to reiterate...I love Obama...I think I might tell everyone that I'm his illegitimate son...maybe a long lost nephew or something!

November 4th was the greatest day of my life, the kids being born and the wedding day were cool too don't get me wrong, but those were expected events, this I never thought I'd see happen!

So, in honor of my undying loyalty to President Elect Obama here's a little song that I feel should be performed at the inauguration.

How to Make Your Baby's Arms REALLY Long...

2008-11-27T21:32:00.004-06:00

Or go to jail for child abuse!!!!!

Either of which or a combination of both seems very feasible if you do this:

This is some madness that I came across that I had to post real swift before I go to bed! Let me confess that I throw my kids in the air from time to time and I've done some possible life threatening wrestling moves but this is a bit over the top.

This child might not be able to scratch his head in the near future let alone write! He will, however, be able to scratch his ankles without bending over!

Please do not do anything like this or at least don't tell me about it because I will be force to turn you into the authorities and then try to get custody of you kids and turn them into the gymnast of the future! Either that or a pimp...because no hooker will be able to walk run away from him!

Happy Thanksgiving and please spare your children's joints!

So I Had to Pick My Son and His Friends Up From a Party Because They Were Drunk...

2008-11-22T20:37:00.006-06:00

OK, this didn't actually happen...

But, I figure that one day it will!

Most of those that know me know that I pride myself on being a logical individual. No matter how angry I may get or how much I may love someone, I try to make sure that I always make the most realistic and logical decision.

I'm not an optimist and I'm definitely not a pessimist as many judgemental fairytale dreamers may believe...I'm an realist...plan and simple!!!!!

So, realistically speaking the chances that my kids will drink at teenage parties are over 50% so I have to prepare myself for this unfortunate occurrence! Now, by no means am I promoting underage drinking...I didn't do it, but a vast majority of my friends and associates did...but realism is the reoccurring theme so, I'm going to roll with that one!

I'm sitting back and trying to prepare myself for the phone call that one of my children got drunk at some high school party! If you have kids and you aren't ready for it...I suggest that you recognize and get ready! The thing is...would you rather: get the phone call from your kid, asking for a ride home or from the police because they have your kid at the precinct because they got arrested for drunk driving?

I try to raise my children to be responsible and productive members of society, but teenagers for whatever reason have a tendency to lose their damn minds and more often than not develop the opposite complex(this is where they have a penchant to do the exact opposite of what any adult, especially a parent tells them to do...just because)...I blame it on the hormones in the cows, fried food and lead in the drinking water! Due to this I'm sure that my kids will think I'm an uncool dad that doesn't understand them and want to ruin their lives, and thus will rebel against everything that I say...hell, they don't listen to me now!

Teenagers most certainly do not always make the appropriate decisions(I'll say it's a 50/50)and drunken teenagers...whoa...! Mixing Teenage hormones, immaturity and low self-restraint with alcohol is like combining a Molotov cocktail, a box of matches and a kerosene heater in a log cabin! You end up with situations like this:

I'd much rather my kids feel comfortable enough to call me and let me know that they got themselves into a bad situation and that they need me to pick them up because they don't want to make the situation worse by driving drunk. At least then I'll know that they are still capable of making mature thoughts.

Therefore, I'll give them each a "get out of jail free" card so to speak! Each of my kids will get one phone call home to as for a ride home in their drunken stupor free of any questioning or lectures. I'll even let their friends spend the night and sleep off the Hennessey so that they won't get in trouble with their parents! If you're a parent and you feel some type of way about me doing this...I suggest that you make sure your kids don't hang out with mine!?!?!

Now, although I will pick my kids up any and every time that they call me needing my help, they will only get that first time for it to happen without any consequences! Even though I am understanding I am a very strict parent and expect my kids to achieve and maintain very high standards...Very...VERY HIGH!!!!!

So, if the drunk calls become a reoccurring theme, there will be consequences and repercussions! AA meetings, Scared Straight, Morgue Visits, Picking up trash on the side of the road, or the always effective punch to the chest!

So, for anyone who missed the point of this post...my wife and I don't drink or do drunks and we try to raise our children to do the same, but quite often children consider themselves pseudo pioneers and veer from the beaten path! Thus, in an attempt to always protect them and keep them close I'll be here for them even when they go against my best wishes! Better that than lose them.

Food for thought(taste it and offer an opinion if you'd like):